KissinBlueKaren

(In case you were wondering there is no sex in this post, I am going to drone on and on about the shit in my head to keep it from exploding. Not everything is sex. Although, for me, this is just as important.)

I ran a marathon in 2005. I like to remember this and let my mind drift back to that time in my life. I am a marathon finisher, I did it. I don’t think I realized how it would impact me, until I crossed the finish line. At the finish line they had men dressed in tuxedos, holding silver platters with little teal Tiffany’s boxes on them. That sounds like something made up, but I swear they really did. Inside the boxes were little silver medallions with a woman in a runner’s pose. This was the Nike Woman’s Marathon in San Francisco. That may not sound impressive to you, but I am in Florida, training was tough for a city with that many hills. I am not an athlete, not really. All of these factor’s and I still did it. I was crying sobbing as I reached out to claim my box at the finish line. That was one of the happiest moments of my life.

What drives my mind back to that now has become my most pressing issue. My birthday is coming up, you see. I am a year older. I am finding out that my metabolism is not as resilient as it used to be. My lifetime struggle with my weight and body image is in my face everyday. Most days i look in the mirror and see some larger version of the person I want to be. I have been trying to wrap my head around what makes a habit. This might be propelled in part, by the fact that I shifted my over 20 year habit of smoking to vaping with relative ease. I haven’t had a “real” cigarette in weeks and I feel great about that. How much harder could it be to make other things in my my life a habit? I have been reading all sorts of books on the subject. My intellectual self is in heaven these days. Class is coming to a close, time to put some of these ideas into action. I need to make some changes in order to get myself right.

I went to the grocery store the other day…long story short, I found myself unable to make even simple decisions. I second guessed even my second guesses. As I finished this painful trip I reflected on how when I am really tired I just want to be told what to do. I am letting this happen all over the place in my life, I am too tired to care. I need to make a real decision right now. My apathy has left me out of shape and unmotivated.

Nothing really great is ever easy. I have a full schedule and this will be one more thing keeping me “busy”. That moment that I finished the marathon, it didn’t happen by chance or accident. This was a moment I created for myself out of hard work and determination.When I think of the very best moments of my life, I see that most of them had great cost. I am going to be 36 years old next week. I want this year to be something that is great, that I created, that I can look back on fondly. I don’t think I will run another marathon, but really it might be just the thing I end up doing. I am making a decision for myself today, no more apathy. Monday I am going to start working out again. Wish me luck.