I have been wanting to blog about our last two hook-ups. The thing is that after thinking about the details, I have decided not to. There are some really good reasons for this…#1 reason, these folks read my blog. That puts undue pressure on my writing. I hate to fucking sensor myself. Sometimes it is not awesome that people actually read my posts. I hate the pressure of putting everything in a positive light. It is not all good, but it wasn’t all bad either.
One of the factors I have encountered with these last two hook-ups.
I hate it, but it happens. I have shared before about my struggle with jealousy. I don’t always keep my emotions in check. I am fiercely jealous. I don’t/can’t stomach the thought of someone enjoying Miguel without me being right there. I have had my jealousy rage almost out of control before. This wasn’t like that. This was like a slight oversight. No rules were really broken on purpose. We were in the same room per se, but…same room slightly out of my line of vision. No, that’s not cool. Also really not cool, when I make someone else feel something like that when we play.
I am really sorry for that.
It is not that he had sex with another woman. It has nothing to do with her really. The mistake I made last year was that I thought it was person specific. We play with different people almost exclusively. You can think/talk about it all you want. You can’t always control how you feel. One of the most important thing about swinging is communication. I am very grateful that we proceeded into the lifestyle in a way that didn’t make me feel threatened. I felt like I could have stopped at any point and just knowing that made me feel free to explore until we evolved into the a comfortable place. I didn’t really feel any jealousy until last year. Then I felt like we needed to stop right there. As a result, we took a time out. Since communication is so essential I shared what it was about it that bothered me.
I don’t like the way the last two hook-ups went. If I could go back, I would have done things differently. I can’t. I can’t fix the fact that I made someone else feel like that. I know it was not anyone’s intention. I still would have went out on the dates. I still wouldn’t change our lifestyle. I am actually really glad that I felt jealous. Fear fuels my jealousy. Here is what happens as a result of my fear, I become a more attentive lover. I want nothing more than to please and keep my love’s affections. It is not that I actually think Miguel would leave me for a swinger hook-up, that is just ridiculous! It is just that I want to share in every orgasm he has with a woman. I want to be there to enjoy it. So what! So this is how we swing. I don’t think there is anything wrong with a little bit of jealousy, as long as it is communicated and not exploited.