Archive for musing

| May 14, 2012
2 comments

Apathy and Motivation

(In case you were wondering there is no sex in this post, I am going to drone on and on about the shit in my head to keep it from exploding. Not everything is sex. Although, for me, this is just as important.)

I ran a marathon in 2005. I like to remember this and let my mind drift back to that time in my life. I am a marathon finisher, I did it. I don’t think I realized how it would impact me, until I crossed the finish line. At the finish line they had men dressed in tuxedos, holding silver platters with little teal Tiffany’s boxes on them. That sounds like something made up, but I swear they really did. Inside the boxes were little silver medallions with a woman in a runner’s pose. This was the Nike Woman’s Marathon in San Francisco. That may not sound impressive to you, but I am in Florida, training was tough for a city with that many hills. I am not an athlete, not really. All of these factor’s and I still did it. I was crying sobbing as I reached out to claim my box at the finish line. That was one of the happiest moments of my life.

What drives my mind back to that now has become my most pressing issue. My birthday is coming up, you see. I am a year older. I am finding out that my metabolism is not as resilient as it used to be. My lifetime struggle with my weight and body image is in my face everyday. Most days i look in the mirror and see some larger version of the person I want to be. I have been trying to wrap my head around what makes a habit. This might be propelled in part, by the fact that I shifted my over 20 year habit of smoking to vaping with relative ease. I haven’t had a “real” cigarette in weeks and I feel great about that. How much harder could it be to make other things in my my life a habit? I have been reading all sorts of books on the subject. My intellectual self is in heaven these days. Class is coming to a close, time to put some of these ideas into action. I need to make some changes in order to get myself right.

I went to the grocery store the other day…long story short, I found myself unable to make even simple decisions. I second guessed even my second guesses. As I finished this painful trip I reflected on how when I am really tired I just want to be told what to do. I am letting this happen all over the place in my life, I am too tired to care. I need to make a real decision right now. My apathy has left me out of shape and unmotivated.

Nothing really great is ever easy. I have a full schedule and this will be one more thing keeping me “busy”. That moment that I finished the marathon, it didn’t happen by chance or accident. This was a moment I created for myself out of hard work and determination.When I think of the very best moments of my life, I see that most of them had great cost. I am going to be 36 years old next week. I want this year to be something that is great, that I created, that I can look back on fondly. I don’t think I will run another marathon, but really it might be just the thing I end up doing. I am making a decision for myself today, no more apathy. Monday I am going to start working out again. Wish me luck.

Related Posts

Category: Blog Post, mind vomit, musing | Tags: ,
| April 30, 2012
11 comments

Fifty Shades of Grey

I just finished reading the book one in the Fifty Shades of Grey trilogy by E.L. James. I am just torn on what to think about this book…

On the real, the writing was not all that. The characters lacked the sort of depth necessary to carry a trilogy. This book is a cheap thrill full of hot sex and lover’s quarrels. I have read much better books. None of them had the descriptive sex scenes of hinting at the BDSM lifestyle like this book does.

This is erotic fiction, with a big twist. The main character is a 21 year old virgin woman who meets a Dom male she can’t stay away from. He can’t stay away from her either. The book’s erotic scenes were very hot. They were hot in an un-vanilla kind of way. They were erotic and involved spanking and some bondage. I enjoyed them thoroughly. That is not what is so disturbing about this book. The disturbing part is how the Dom became interested in the BDSM lifestyle. The Dom is fifty shades of fucked up. Assuming this is how or maybe the only reason someone might be interested in this lifestyle is unspoken. It is hinted about throughout the book. What exactly was she thinking when she made the male character so fucking fragile? Is the author pro or anti lifestyle? Needless to say I am almost shocked this book is even on the best seller list. I so torn on this book.

 

Do I support this book? It is hot and brings to light a very sexy lifestyle that I think needs to be more mainstream. I loved the dissection of “the contract”. I know some couple’s have them. I doubt they go to the extent the book does, but it is laying out the lifestyle for people who have no idea. I get it.

Do I shun the book? I think this author is trying to say that you have to have had some sort of trauma to choose a BDSM lifestyle. This is bad, very bad. That makes me want to hate the author. A person’s turn-ons are very personal. I know you could love the BDSM lifestyle without having been traumatized. This sort of thinking drives the lifestyle further into the shadows. Kink does not equal crazy…period.

I would love to hear your thoughts.

 

 

Related Posts

Category: Blog Post, musing | Tags:
| April 22, 2012
One comment

Weekend Mission

I woke up around nine today. Although I was asleep by two am last night, it was not enough. I can’t seem to get enough sleep in my diet these days. This weekend was all fucked up. I ended up working a twelve hour shift on Saturday. I was kinda tired when we went out last night. (I know I sound old, but I don’t care right now.) Plus it was like day one of my period. Day one sucks. I can almost forget about the inconvenience of having a period the rest of the time, but not day one. It is the heavy sucky day. I use instead cups, so it is never messy. But it is sensitive. Day one just sucks. So we did go out to the club, but didn’t party for very long. Anyways, I woke up and immediately knew the mission for the day would be to try to get a new bed. We spent half of my only day off this weekend on this mission.

My original and awesome plan of going to the beach every Sunday so I can get a fracking tan this year wasn’t feasible due to inclement weather.

Btw, we have went for three weeks straight to the beach. Every Sunday. We spend at least 2 hours there, I am in the sun the whole time. I have a huge towel that I lay out. I put on my smallest bikini. I make sure the most skin possible is visible to the sun. I present my stark pale body to the sun for punishment. I only put sun screen on my face and I lay out the whole time. I rarely get in the water. I still manage not to have any semblance of a tan. Meanwhile my kids and Miguel, who aren’t even trying, are getting darker and darker.

Yup, that’s fair.

Our bed is only three years old. I love my 600 thread count sheets and how Miguel looks sleeping on in and his brand new memory foam pillow. We live on our bed sometimes. It is a couch, table, sleeping space, dining room table and playmat. But the bed itself, well, it has already overstayed it’s welcome. I hate it and it gives me back aches. We loaded up all the kids and went to bed shopping. I thought it might be fun to look at stuff we can’t afford with my oldest kids, I want to give them ideas of what a house could look like. I want to get ideas about what kind of stuff they like for when we do have money to buy. This is all done while corralling my babies into not breaking shit. It is not a good thing to make older kids corral younger kids, but it is the only way I get to see anything.

Why do I keep doing this? I take a perfectly perfect weekend day and then try to cram impossible missions into them. The super news? I found a really great bed. Also, Miguel educated me on what the perfect “man drawer” looks like. (In case you are wondering, it is a full length drawer that goes all the way across the dresser, so you can see everything at once). The sucky news? American fucking Signature thinks I may be a credit risk because we bought a car and moved last month, so I get no new bed. At least not at this time. Oh and that was another hit to my credit. I fucking hate credit.

Fuck! Mission impossible instead of mission accomplished.

Next week I am going to try to try for a mission-less weekend.

Related Posts

Category: Blog Post, musing | Tags:
| April 11, 2012
5 comments

Smoker’s Blues

Trying to find a routine after a hiatus is tougher than I thought it would be. The problem is, I fell into a dangerous routine of coming home from work, sitting outside with a beer and my laptop, and chain smoking the evening away. This has been going on for over a month. I recognize the routine is bad but changing routines is uncomfortable. I decided when we move things will be different.

Things are really different. The new house offers the convenience of a nice set-up for me outside. There is my familiar table and chair, a plug-in for my laptop, plenty of shade on the porch…I don’t feel the same about it though. I reached a point when I know I have to make a change. The core of the problem is me not spending time inside the house. My kids and Miguel know if they need to talk to me, they need to meet me outside. The reason I like it outside is pretty simple; I don’t smoke in the house.

I went online and bought something I hope will help fix the problem; an e-cigarette.

Smoking is such a routine for me. I have been smoking more than half of my life. I know all the dangers, and I have quit a dozen times. I am a smoker despite my best efforts to quit. I have quit for years at a time, just to fall prey to nicotine again. I have to outsmart this stupid addiction. E-cigarettes have come a long way, even in two years since I tried them last. The last ones I tried were “top of the line” at the time. They had short battery life and needed refilling constantly. They also had an inconsistent nicotine level. I could tell when I slipped and smoked a real cigarette. I got a tell-tale head-rush. I grew frustrated and started smoking again after a short time. The one I bought this time has a long battery life, like over 24 hours. It also only needs filling after 1 1/2 day. So far, so good!

I don’t know how long I will stick with it. I know there are dangers to e-cigarettes. I haven’t even attempted to find out the risks. Could it be any worse than tobacco and carbon dioxide? The great thing I can tell you, is that my clothes don’t smell like cigarettes and I can now smoke in my house/car without guilt. It is vapor and doesn’t leave lingering smoke. I am elated. I wanna tell the whole fucking world about this alternative. I swear I didn’t have the right tools the first time I tried this. This time is better, this e-cigarette is fracking awesome. I got my e-cigarette here. Of course you may find this product cheaper other places. I got it shipped to me superfast, like 2 days later, without paying extra.

If you are a non-smoker, you can’t know or understand my plight. Sorry. I am a nicotine addict. You probably cant relate. I just needed to vent about this mind vomit. I just wanted to share this plight with you. I would outright quit smoking, but then my other problem rears it’s ugly head….the struggle with my weight. Sad to say I am more afraid of gaining weight then I am of health risks. Low self-esteem makes me feel less sexy. Less sexy feeling means less sex. This is a much worse than smelling like smoke in my opinion. That is the state of priorities in my head America. My addicted brain is settling into a nice routine. I will be back more often to blog.

Related Posts

Category: Blog Post, cigarettes, musing | Tags: , ,
| December 26, 2011
4 comments

Content Theives and SOPA

So yesterday I found myself hacked…again. Actually, not hacked, just copied. Apparently Krystal Lynn who is the admin for thecamgirldiary.com has issues with coming up with her own content for her site. So what does she do? She steals blog posts from other sites and republishes them with no real credit given, just a small link at the bottom of the page with the name of the post linking back to the original website. There is no mention of who actually wrote the article. The link at the bottom of the page is easy to miss. I am not alone in being copied. Looking through her posts I found a few familiar sites content laid up on her blog. Why would someone do this? I even have to ©All Rights Reserved KissinBlueKaren thingy on the bottom of every page of my site. It is hard to battle this type of theft. I looked her up on WhoIsGoDaddy and sent her an e-mail to take it down. This is the third time this chic has done this to KissinBlueKaren. By copying and pasting from another website, she can produce lots of content everyday. I really hate this chic.

I spent too much time on the internet today trying to figure out what the hell SOPA is. I am way behind the 8-ball on this. I am sure you have heard of this, but if not then let me enlighten you. A bill that shouldn’t be passed, is on the verge of being passed. Mostly because it is backed by some major corporate assholes. Basically, it is all about the internet piracy act. Piracy is a crime, but this bill takes things to extremes and makes the slightest copyright infringement illegal. Got a song playing in the background when you video something, post it anywhere on the net and YOU become the criminal. It is interesting to note that the biggest supporters of this act where the same people showing us how to use share file software a few years ago. CNET is one of the biggest supporters. I am so behind the 8-ball on this. If you want to learn something about it type SOPA into YouTube and watch some of the videos. I think I lost 2 hours today trying to understand this bill. Basically it says that if they even think you infringe copyrights, they can ban you from the internet…anywhere. Sites like YouTube, Scrib,  and Reddit stand to loose everything. On one side it would stop thieves like thecamgirldiary from existing. It would be easy to take her down. On the other hand it would make sharing information very difficult. You will find yourself tip-toeing to not offend or infringe on anyone. As much as I hate being copied, I do not support SOPA. The bill is a slippery slope of censoring the internet.

Places I recommend to learn about SOPA:

The Huffington Post

Keep the Web Open

Techdirt

TechCrunch

I hate talking about this. I hate even thinking about it, but seriously…this bill is dangerous. Here is a link suggesting something you can do about it.

Related Posts

Category: Blog Post, blogging, musing, website | Tags: , ,
| November 30, 2011
3 comments

All Sexes For Me, Please

I guess I forgot to tell you about Saturday night at Eyz Wide Shut. It was awesome! My sexy friend that was celebrating her birthday got all the attention she deserved! The club was celebrating their anniversary, so at midnight we all got a champagne toast, (the owner got a lap dance). Then we stayed over in the new lodging side. It was a really long night. I passed out around 3-ish and woke up two hours later. Miguel was pacing the room, talking something about the couple next door. I wasn’t able to get up, but it seems a funny thing now. Neither one of us got too much sleep and we left rather early to get home. The room was comfortable enough, but we had to get home to relieve the babysitter. 7am Sunday morning…I haven’t been awake to see that in a long time.

Something unique happened at the club. I was being molested by another sexy girl who was a part of a group. She was saying that she wanted us to join her. It was definitely an ego boosted but she was in such a large group, I couldn’t tell who her man was. I asked her but she just kinda pointed. I didn’t want to end up with another large group situation, especially if I didn’t know all the players. She kinda introduced me around the table to people. One of the group was a transgender female, who still had some male anatomy. I gotta be honest here and say I have never encountered that in the swinging community. Later on when we were being escorted to our room by the owner, she walked by and said hello. They were still in a large group. The timing was off.

I thought about it later, I am still thinking about it. Did I miss the opportunity to play with this person, or better yet, see Miguel with her? I have never really thought about a transgender person, or what that really means…until I heard about Buck Angel. Buck Angel is a guy, he just happens to have a pussy. It kinda freaked me out at first but now what I wouldn’t give to meet him. I think about the confidence it must take for someone to feel so different in their own skin, and then own it and show the world.

I am imagining the possibilities of being with someone so confident. Someone who may be just enough of both to sexes to appeal to all my senses. Is this a whole group of people I never thought about? Are transgender swingers even real, or are they dragged to parties by their open friends. I guess I don’t know because even being bi-sexual, (as a male), is considered “taboo” in the most swinger circles. (“Yea, we are so fucking open, but uh my man is strictly straight okay!”) Why this fear? We both enjoy both sexes. Sex is just sex people. If you are going to be open and fuck strangers for pleasure why exclude half the population. If it turns on your partner, (and my poll results say it definitely does), then why hold back? I want to add this sort of play into my life. I am adding this to my bucket list.

I think it is time I made some new kinds of friends.

I want to hear what you think of this…. interesting? no way? tried it? Please leave your comments.

Related Posts

Category: Blog Post, musing, sex | Tags: , , ,
« Older Entries