Archive for mind vomit

A Special Kind of Crazy

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So I am a very jealous lover. I can’t fucking stand it when my Miguel enters a scene when I am not in the room.

I over-reacted to something that wasn’t even a thing. Look, when you have the sort of scars that I do crazy creeps up from time to time. I know Miguel loves me, I know he is faithful but….alcohol and I want to freak out over something that is nothing. I can’t stop the reaction when it happens. I can only apologize for it later. Maybe I can try to recognize it. Let me tell you what happened…

I had last Sunday night off, so we went out. New people, or at least new to us. I was in a really good mood and excited to meet new people. We met them at a bar close to their house. They were really nice and we had a lot in common. They like to drink and they were both smokers, so we sat outside.

We talked and drank and talked. Miguel was the only sober one. The weather got a bit weird with strong gusts of wind and some rain. We almost thought it might be a tornado but then it calmed a bit. We all took that as a cue to move the party so they took us home to their place. They lived about 5 minutes away. I was so revved up in the car that I immediately went to work on trying to get Miguel’s cock out so I could suck it. I love getting his cock out while he drives. I know this is dangerous, but I was very horny. I licked and sucked his cock as best I could until we arrived at their apartment complex.

Once we got to their place we all settled in for more drinks and conversation on their screened-in porch. It was good and fun, we had loads in common. But the ice needed to broken. So, I took off my pants. Then everyone stripped, and we moved into the bedroom. . .

Naked in the bedroom I went to work sucking on the guys cock. Miguel and the girl got tangled up next to us. He was really hard. His cock was long and thin. He asked me to lay back and then he licked and sucked my pussy. I came as he finger fucked me and sucked my clit. A few minutes after I came on his face, he sat up and put a condom on. Miguel put a condom on too. Then we all started fucking. He kissed me a lot while he fucked me. He held me close and pumped his cock in me. I clenched my pussy muscles tight and fucked him back, wanting to feel every inch of cock. It was hot. Miguel and the girl right next to us. He stopped twice to licked her pussy and finger her g-spot hard making her cum loudly, before going right back to fuck her more. The guy pulled out and I sucked his cock. Miguel pulled back after a while from sheer exhaustion and her man moved over to fuck her then. Miguel then moved over and finger fucked me hard while sucking on my clit. I came so hard from him pounding my g-spot. I wanted him to fuck me. He started kinda walking away so I assumed he was done. I shakily walked to the bathroom, still reeling from being fucked and cuming so hard.

I came back to find the guy standing on one side of the bed fucking her. She was laying on her back. Miguel was on the other side with his cock being sucked by the woman, her head hanging back over the bed. Seeing this turned my stomach. He was too tired to fuck me, or so I thought. Now he has his cock in her mouth and she is getting it good. I am admittedly a bit crazy. I know. Jealous when I should have enjoyed the view. I just looked, and I pulled myself out of the situation. Miguel immediately recognized my look, but didn’t understand why. We were done for the night.

Ugh!

So this resulted in what I like to call a “silent storm”. We said our goodbyes and went home. I didn’t talk to him the whole way home. When I finally told him what was bothering me, well he didn’t agree with what I observed. He swears I was sucking the guys cock when he walked in, but to my knowledge he was right there. I completely left the room, even saying I wanted to use the bathroom. Why do I have this issue if we are such a solid couple? Why would I even entertain the thought of jealousy when this is a choice we both made, to swing…together?

Moving forward, I sort of apologized to Miguel. He gets that sometimes I am so crazy I can’t really help it. In the future I probably should but…our little “issue” resulted in some very hot make up sex. Mostly me making up for whatever. The best part is when Miguel takes control of the whole situation. He knows I get out of control, so he takes control…completely. Dominating me and dictating how he will fuck me, when, and what the conditions are. It all starts with me asking him to come home for lunch so we can fuck. Then it leads to collared anal sex with toys and his cock. I am grateful that he gets me. I completely needed him to forgive me.

Next time I will try to behave differently with this sexy couple that I really want to see again. I just had to put it out there. I am a special kind of crazy.

 

Writer’s Block Sucks

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If I had courage, I would write about all the things that have been on my mind lately. I would tell you about our last hook up and how little sex Miguel and I have had together lately. My courage escapes me. It is almost non-existent these days. I have fear about my fears and I am struggling with keeping my scattered life together right now. I am unhappy with my schedule, but happy about my work. I am distancing myself from those I love and that is painful. I feel alone mostly these days, because I am alone. I am isolated in this life right now.

If I was witty at all, I could write up about the sexy things rolling around in my thoughts. I have sex on my mind, but the words don’t flow right. I feel dry not being able to express my sexuality. I feel disenchanted with toys lately. I want the flesh. I want the closeness of my lover on top of me. The scent of him all over me. It is not for lack of desire. I know we both want to be together, but time and schedules keep us apart.

I have to keep reminding myself it won’t always be like this. Even if it doesn’t change much, it isn’t all bad. But it will change, it has to. When I summon the nerve, I will write about everything. I will tell you about my battle with this silence and how I won.

Once upon a time the only thing that kept me from writing was time. Now the inspiration is not there. Writer’s block sucks.

I am sure I am not alone. As a blogger, I struggle sometimes to say what I mean and keep it interesting. As a sex blogger the shit is even more complicated. Keep it sexy, always. Sometimes it is easier to say what really happened, sometimes I get bored with that. I hit a brick wall this week with my creative writing. It has been too long since I had sexy inspiration. I have been reading other blogs and feeling less than adequate. I started out just looking for inspiration and I did feel inspired to blog something. But then what is it that you want from me? I might change my whole style. Then again I might not. HowToDefeatWritersBlock

I can’t blame blogs entirely. I have been studying a whole lot as well. I have found a new religion in the sciences of the mind and of the world around me. This awareness has me mentally awed at what I am missing. It’s is like finding something new in my backyard. The thing was there the whole time, I just never noticed it. I need to get back to questioning everything. I take so much for granted, even my pattern of thinking. Complacency needs to stop right here, right now. No more faith without absolute proof. No more taking someone’s word for it. Question everything!

Anyways, that is where I am at right now. I am hoping to publish this and send these thoughts out to you. Hopefully it will give me the release I need.

 

An Open Book -My Life In Chapters

TMI

 

This week the TMI Tuesday blog had a fun challenge. I accept. I was really excited about this particular TMI because I have often thought about writing out my story. I broke it up into lessons. I was going to write out the years, but they don’t describe the lessons as much. Some lessons had to go back and be repeated. I want to share my story because I know some of you can relate. This is just a fun little snippet.

 

If your life were a book, what would the parts or chapters be titled?

 

Chapter 1- The Abuse. 

I wish it could start out happy. It didn’t so I can’t. My childhood was full of scars. Death and abuse marred my innocence. I learned not to rely on people to save me. I ran into a theme of loss and abuse over the years, but I eventually was able to break the cycle. This painful chapter would give you a clue about my survival.

Chapter 2- The Rebellion.

This is where I put my stubborn pride and things I did selfishly. I wanted to show the world I wasn’t afraid. This part of my life was also pretty painful but I learned more control. I hurt people who loved me but I also learned to be selfish enough to cut painful things out of my life. My shameful secrets would be here, some had no purpose.

Chapter 3- The Miracles. 

These segments get a whole chapter because my whole world changed. My focus shifted from self preservation to self sacrifice. I dodged more than a few bullets in my life. I have witnessed miracles and some years I spent in complete awe of how close it was. My self-confidence came from here. Surprise that it could happen to me, and then again why not me?

Chapter 4- The Love.

I have loved foolishly and in marriage. I have loved without hope of reciprocation. I have loved faithfully and in secret. I have loved in sin. I can’t regret any of these because they proved that I am very capable and worthy of true love. I looked in all the wrong places. When I finally decided to set parameters I found someone worthy of the best and worst of me.

Chapter 5- Vindication.

I am a survivor. I have lived through good and bad things. I have overcome shame and self-doubt. Like a phoenix from the ashes I rise again and again. I have reached unimaginable goals. Actually, I have reached every goal I set for myself. Even surprising myself at times. I didn’t quit even when things quit on me. I am proud of the person I am and the freedom from my past I have achieved. I have every right to believe that the best is still yet to come!

 

See who else is playing TMI Tuesday.

Computer Breakdown

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My work schedule has kept me from writing anything useful this week. I used to be less understanding when people told me they had “no time” to blog. The past four days I have enjoyed less than 3 wakeful hours at home. Just to make things worse, one of those precious hours was wasted in “car circles” waiting for little people. I love my little people, but I hate car circles.) So now I get it when people say they have “no time”. I am enjoying a day off right now. I was a bit shocked by the amount of things I found in my e-mail related to my site.

While checking those e-mails on Tuesday, my computer went black. It shut off and decided not to come back on. My Asus died on a Tuesday and there was nothing I could do about it. I am in a serious sweat to try to extract my content from my old hard drive. The fact that I could pull the hard drive out shows me how much I have evolved since I started this blog.

Okay, so Asus has recovered from a virus and held thousands of images and dozens of videos for me. It was witness to various encounters and my place to vent about crazy folks. It was a place I found my socially awkward self a place to be cool in the online world. I was recently diagnosed with a panic disorder. I have to confess that I am actually a socially awkward shy person. People who have met me would probably not believe it. I mask this unflattering world view with alcohol and feigned confidence. I worry about what people actually think of me, although their opinion is really none of my business. I fret over getting all the details of my appearance just right, and I am seldom happy with the outcome. I want to be honest with you, so you know who you are dealing with.

I bought a new laptop, a Sony Vaio. It is a bit of an upgrade since it features Windows 8 and a touchscreen. Windows 8 is totally different. I have been using Windows 7 for a long time. (Please don’t try to talk my into a Mac, I will never go there) I am in the process of recovering pictures and music. I will let you know how it goes.

I got a lot of reviews to do. Loads of contests just ended. I got more giveaways coming up as well… Oh and another website asked me to do a “class” with them next week. It is a Swinger intro class, so I will be answering questions and talking about my experience. I am a bit nervous. I promise to share all my awkwardness here for you to enjoy/laugh at.

I found myself on twitter this week. Trying to get some inspiration and maybe see if anyone else has suffered computer death and lived to tell the tale. I found some nice people who are trying to help me. @DomSigns from Molly’s Daily Kiss. (Yes folks, the #1 blogger from the top 100 sexy blogs 2012) I am so grateful for the time they have taken to try to help me. I am hopeful that I can get some content recovered. If not I guess that is all the more reason to the camera out…

Struggling with the Swing

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I have been wanting to blog about our last two hook-ups. The thing is that after thinking about the details, I have decided not to. There are some really good reasons for this…#1 reason, these folks read my blog. That puts undue pressure on my writing. I hate to fucking sensor myself. Sometimes it is not awesome that people actually read my posts. I hate the pressure of putting everything in a positive light. It is not all good, but it wasn’t all bad either.

One of the factors I have encountered with these last two hook-ups.

Jealousy.

I hate it, but it happens. I have shared before about my struggle with jealousy. I don’t always keep my emotions in check. I am fiercely jealous. I don’t/can’t stomach the thought of someone enjoying Miguel without me being right there. I have had my jealousy rage almost out of control before. This wasn’t like that. This was like a slight oversight. No rules were really broken on purpose. We were in the same room per se, but…same room slightly out of my line of vision. No, that’s not cool. Also really not cool, when I make someone else feel something like that when we play.

I am really sorry for that.

It is not that he had sex with another woman. It has nothing to do with her really. The mistake I made last year was that I thought it was person specific. We play with different people almost exclusively. You can think/talk about it all you want. You can’t always control how you feel. One of the most important thing about swinging is communication. I am very grateful that we proceeded into the lifestyle in a way that didn’t make me feel threatened. I felt like I could have stopped at any point and just knowing that made me feel free to explore until we evolved into the a comfortable place. I didn’t really feel any jealousy until last year. Then I felt like we needed to stop right there. As a result, we took a time out. Since communication is so essential I shared what it was about it that bothered me.

I don’t like the way the last two hook-ups went. If I could go back, I would have done things differently. I can’t. I can’t fix the fact that I made someone else feel like that. I know it was not anyone’s intention. I still would have went out on the dates. I still wouldn’t change our lifestyle. I am actually really glad that I felt jealous. Fear fuels my jealousy. Here is what happens as a result of my fear, I become a more attentive lover. I want nothing more than to please and keep my love’s affections. It is not that I actually think Miguel would leave me for a swinger hook-up, that is just ridiculous! It is just that I want to share in every orgasm he has with a woman. I want to be there to enjoy it. So what! So this is how we swing. I don’t think there is anything wrong with a little bit of jealousy, as long as it is communicated and not exploited.

Failure to Follow Instructions

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Meeting potential couples is a bit of a dance. Show interest with a wink, write and e-mail, make a phone call, voice verify, answer questions and go over the rules, set up the meeting. It is not always the same. Obviously meeting people at a club wouldn’t follow this pattern. Meeting people over the internet usually does. Sometimes the e-mails go on for weeks, or even months until the schedule coincide and a date is made. Some people will not be rushed into meeting and that is fine. Some people are really worth the wait. Sometimes we get right to it and then we meet.

We all have lives outside of swinging. We have careers, some of us have kids and other responsibilities. We can’t all run out at the drop of a hat and meet new people for a potential hook-up, (although I wish we had that kind of freedom). Some of us can’t chat about swinging on the phone. Little ears and work may restrict the conversation during certain hours.

An unspoken rule for me is to follow instructions. This goes for us and them. If they ask me to call, I call. If they want to see a picture I send it. If I ask them to call me at a certain time, I make myself available to chat. I am picky. I will write someone off before I even meet them if they fail to follow instructions. In the swinger world instructions are important. Even more so because of what we intend to do together. What does it say about someone when they can’t follow simple instructions? I am not talking about step-by-step instructions, although we have received and followed them for certain situations. I am talking about a little thing like a good time to call me to chat. If you call me three hours later don’t be surprised if I can’t chat. I have kids and a night time job. My kids are old enough to know that when I talk low it’s because I don’t want them to hear, (and then miraculously they can hear everything).

Another unspoken rule I have is that if you invite another couple on our date, you should tell us about it. I don’t mind a few extra players, but I like to be informed. As a courtesy maybe you should send us a picture of them. Don’t they want to know what we look like? That is fine if you send one of us to them. We are not ken and barbie but we do have standards. We had a date at the Hard Rock hotel a while back with a couple that had invited two other couples to the same party on the same night. The thing is that there was no mention of other couple(s). One of the couples ended up being really high maintenance and ruining the night. We probably wouldn’t have been able to predict it even if we knew there would be extra players. I find it kind of ironic that we knew the other couple (not the high maintenance one, the other one). What are the odds? Pretty good actually because swingers are a small community. Even if you don’t know me, you probably know someone I know in this area. This is just common courtesy really. 1

So there! I feel better now that I got that off my chest and you all know that I am a bit of a control freak. I want to be in the know so bad. I want people who have a bit of common sense and courtesy. Am I asking too much?

Listen, I always try to extend people a bit of common courtesy. I even take it the extra step and try to read body language so that I don’t overstep boundaries and make potential hook-ups uncomfortable. Oh shit! What if I am the high maintenance person here? No fuck that! I have a right to be picky. I don’t have to lower my standards to swing. There are plenty of sexy courteous people in the lifestyle. If you can’t follow simple instructions I guess I don’t want to fuck you.

  1. For the record that night ended up being a waste of time since we didn’t hook-up with anyone and didn’t even have a good time there. Ugh!