Tag Archive for musings

Struggling with the Swing

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I have been wanting to blog about our last two hook-ups. The thing is that after thinking about the details, I have decided not to. There are some really good reasons for this…#1 reason, these folks read my blog. That puts undue pressure on my writing. I hate to fucking sensor myself. Sometimes it is not awesome that people actually read my posts. I hate the pressure of putting everything in a positive light. It is not all good, but it wasn’t all bad either.

One of the factors I have encountered with these last two hook-ups.

Jealousy.

I hate it, but it happens. I have shared before about my struggle with jealousy. I don’t always keep my emotions in check. I am fiercely jealous. I don’t/can’t stomach the thought of someone enjoying Miguel without me being right there. I have had my jealousy rage almost out of control before. This wasn’t like that. This was like a slight oversight. No rules were really broken on purpose. We were in the same room per se, but…same room slightly out of my line of vision. No, that’s not cool. Also really not cool, when I make someone else feel something like that when we play.

I am really sorry for that.

It is not that he had sex with another woman. It has nothing to do with her really. The mistake I made last year was that I thought it was person specific. We play with different people almost exclusively. You can think/talk about it all you want. You can’t always control how you feel. One of the most important thing about swinging is communication. I am very grateful that we proceeded into the lifestyle in a way that didn’t make me feel threatened. I felt like I could have stopped at any point and just knowing that made me feel free to explore until we evolved into the a comfortable place. I didn’t really feel any jealousy until last year. Then I felt like we needed to stop right there. As a result, we took a time out. Since communication is so essential I shared what it was about it that bothered me.

I don’t like the way the last two hook-ups went. If I could go back, I would have done things differently. I can’t. I can’t fix the fact that I made someone else feel like that. I know it was not anyone’s intention. I still would have went out on the dates. I still wouldn’t change our lifestyle. I am actually really glad that I felt jealous. Fear fuels my jealousy. Here is what happens as a result of my fear, I become a more attentive lover. I want nothing more than to please and keep my love’s affections. It is not that I actually think Miguel would leave me for a swinger hook-up, that is just ridiculous! It is just that I want to share in every orgasm he has with a woman. I want to be there to enjoy it. So what! So this is how we swing. I don’t think there is anything wrong with a little bit of jealousy, as long as it is communicated and not exploited.

Failure to Follow Instructions

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Meeting potential couples is a bit of a dance. Show interest with a wink, write and e-mail, make a phone call, voice verify, answer questions and go over the rules, set up the meeting. It is not always the same. Obviously meeting people at a club wouldn’t follow this pattern. Meeting people over the internet usually does. Sometimes the e-mails go on for weeks, or even months until the schedule coincide and a date is made. Some people will not be rushed into meeting and that is fine. Some people are really worth the wait. Sometimes we get right to it and then we meet.

We all have lives outside of swinging. We have careers, some of us have kids and other responsibilities. We can’t all run out at the drop of a hat and meet new people for a potential hook-up, (although I wish we had that kind of freedom). Some of us can’t chat about swinging on the phone. Little ears and work may restrict the conversation during certain hours.

An unspoken rule for me is to follow instructions. This goes for us and them. If they ask me to call, I call. If they want to see a picture I send it. If I ask them to call me at a certain time, I make myself available to chat. I am picky. I will write someone off before I even meet them if they fail to follow instructions. In the swinger world instructions are important. Even more so because of what we intend to do together. What does it say about someone when they can’t follow simple instructions? I am not talking about step-by-step instructions, although we have received and followed them for certain situations. I am talking about a little thing like a good time to call me to chat. If you call me three hours later don’t be surprised if I can’t chat. I have kids and a night time job. My kids are old enough to know that when I talk low it’s because I don’t want them to hear, (and then miraculously they can hear everything).

Another unspoken rule I have is that if you invite another couple on our date, you should tell us about it. I don’t mind a few extra players, but I like to be informed. As a courtesy maybe you should send us a picture of them. Don’t they want to know what we look like? That is fine if you send one of us to them. We are not ken and barbie but we do have standards. We had a date at the Hard Rock hotel a while back with a couple that had invited two other couples to the same party on the same night. The thing is that there was no mention of other couple(s). One of the couples ended up being really high maintenance and ruining the night. We probably wouldn’t have been able to predict it even if we knew there would be extra players. I find it kind of ironic that we knew the other couple (not the high maintenance one, the other one). What are the odds? Pretty good actually because swingers are a small community. Even if you don’t know me, you probably know someone I know in this area. This is just common courtesy really. 1

So there! I feel better now that I got that off my chest and you all know that I am a bit of a control freak. I want to be in the know so bad. I want people who have a bit of common sense and courtesy. Am I asking too much?

Listen, I always try to extend people a bit of common courtesy. I even take it the extra step and try to read body language so that I don’t overstep boundaries and make potential hook-ups uncomfortable. Oh shit! What if I am the high maintenance person here? No fuck that! I have a right to be picky. I don’t have to lower my standards to swing. There are plenty of sexy courteous people in the lifestyle. If you can’t follow simple instructions I guess I don’t want to fuck you.

  1. For the record that night ended up being a waste of time since we didn’t hook-up with anyone and didn’t even have a good time there. Ugh!

What’s Your Average?

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I saw a post on Facebook that got me thinking. A couple was saying they had only been with four couples after two years in the lifestyle. It got me wondering how many we have been with. I don’t really keep track of how many, but it made me curious enough to try and figure it out.

Right away Miguel claimed that we average less than one a month. I counted 44 months in the lifestyle. We painstakingly tried to recall all the couples we have enjoyed since we got into the lifestyle. The conversation was pretty funny. I don’t remember everyone’s names. Miguel actually remembered most of their names. I remember stupid details like “that couple with all the movies” or “that couple with the guy with the big tattoo.” (Hey sport fuckers, just to be clear, it is not a competition!)

We only counted couples and not single people. (I doubt either of us could really remember all the singles, there are quite a few.) We counted full and soft swaps. I wonder if our average looks like other people’s average in the lifestyle. Miguel was actually right that our number averages out to one a month.

Our average is one a month. Is that really average? I know some couples must be getting a better average than that. I am actually really surprised the number was not much larger. I can remember months with one or two hook-ups a week. Then again there are months when we didn’t play with anyone but each other. How often do average swingers play?

But really, how many couples have you played with? I bet your number, or average, has a lot to do with how picky you are, the places or sites you use to meet people, and how sexually aggressive you are as a couple.

Same Room or Separate Swinging?

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We went to the club last night and met a bunch of new couples. We participate in Swinger Speed Dating at the club whenever it is possible because it is a great chance to meet new people. There were a bunch of new couples at the club. (by new I mean new to me, not newbies) Rebecca Ammon hosts this event once a month. She always supplies a list of questions. The first question on the list last night was “Are you full swap, soft swap, seasoned or newbies?” We found a few newbies, but most of the couples were seasoned sluts experienced in the lifestyle. We found more than a handful that were not only full swap, they were full swap that played separately.

One of our “rules” is that we never play separately. Call me old fashioned but this for us is a hard limit. Most of the folks that have asked me personally to play separately were males that had problems performing with another man in the room. This is not what these couples told us drove them to play separately. The main reason these couples said play separately was that they found themselves distracted with their partner making noise next to them.

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That is half the fun! Knowing Miguel is right there watching me, looking over at him. That is the biggest turn on. Seeing his face as he is enjoying himself. I am usually so caught up in what I am feeling during sex with him to enjoy this sight. I must confess that watching him enjoy himself has spurned many masturbation sessions for me and made it really easy to go from normal to completely turned on in order to test out various toys. (I have an awesome hobby) I just don’t think I could ever do this without him there. If my being turned on has ever driven Miguel to come sooner, well I think that is an even bigger turn on.

I have to admit that at first, in my early days of the lifestyle, I assumed that swinging separately was so sort of evolution of swinging. First comes voyeurism, then exhibitionism, then soft swap, then full swap, then playing separately. In that order. After meeting and talking to literally hundreds of swinger couples, I have found that this is not correct thinking. A lot of happy swingers find themselves very content at various levels and have no desire to move on to the “next” level. There is nothing wrong with this. People may assume that all swingers are like this, or that all swingers do that. The truth is that we are all similar in that we like sex, and then really anything goes from there. Miguel and I found this to be absolutely true right away. That is exactly why we have our hard limits and rules for swinging. Breaking any of our rules is not going to get us to the next level, it will get us fighting.

To be fair, I did notice that these couples did not start out swinging. The few couples we met that played separately had one thing in common…they all were an established couple for at least a few years (if not a decade+) before they decided to explore the lifestyle. We have never met a couple completely new to swinging that played separately. (other than a few that were actually in a poly relationship, but that doesn’t count) Does relationship length before swinging determine if a couple will end up playing separately? I guess Miguel and I dodged a bullet by getting into the lifestyle right away, while we are still relatively young and new to each other. This actually beings to my mind “key parties” of the 70′s that hosted to older couples. Ewwe! That is not for us.

Happy New Year!

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I had a really great time last night out at the club. I was delighted to spend the first few minutes of 2013 kissing the love and my life in a room full of sexy people. We almost stayed in this year for new years eve, I am glad we decided to go out. This past year has been full of changes for us. It was great to get out and celebrate that 2012 is finally over. I am excited about the changes to come.

Something great already happened this year. I woke up today to discover that Red Region had named my site as one of the sexiest of 2012! There are 40 blogs on this list, and all of them are worth a read. Check them out and discover some new sexy sites this year. Thank you Red Region! This list rocks and I feel very privileged to be part of it.

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I really, really appreciate it when people say they read my blog. It means my voice has an audience. I know the internet is full of people saying things, especially things about sex. I was thinking about what being sex blogger means. I think being a sex blogger has made me acutely more aware of my sexuality and for that I am so grateful. I am also really grateful to live in world with so many sexy bloggers.

I am starting my full time nights schedule this week at my new job. It has been years since I worked nights. My main concern is sleep. Wish me luck as I attempt this transition while the kids are out of school. I am sure they will allow me to sleep and not wake me up to break up stupid sibling rivalries. I am feeling strangely optimistic about the year to come. I know history has proved me wrong about this time and again but fuck it! I am feeling good and I am going ride this feeling out. New job, healthy kids, sexy man laying next to me. Life is good!

Happy New Year to all of you!

Resolutions

New Years Eve

Today is the last day of the year. New Years fills me with optimism. I found a really cool list on Rebecca Ammon’s site. She lists some Swinger New Year Resolutions. These are great tips for successful swinging. Which reminds me that this is a great time to be updating my sexual bucket list. The first thing on that list from last year were gender-bending fantasies. Most of the guys we met that were into gender-bending were also really looking for a mistress to discipline them. So that is still on my list. We did have lots of sex in the car and even once on side of the road last year, so I can knock those off the bucket list. There are still some things I would love to do.

I always make a few resolutions for New Years. Last year my resolutions read more like a list of things to do. I think having a list of goals is important. I read something a few years ago about using the number 3 and setting immediate, short term, and long term goals. Basically I set goals for 3 weeks, 3 months, and 3 years away from now. I have found just writing things down put the ball in motion for me. I didn’t do everything on my list. I did manage to knock some big to-dos off the list. (Including filing for my divorce and getting a new car!) Reflecting back on this past year and knowing some of the big things actually did get marked off gives me hope that this year will be even better and more productive.

We are going out tonight to the club. New Years Eve and Halloween are probably the biggest party days for us. Most swingers love a packed party. The club will be packed tonight. Last year the club was crazy on New Years Eve. This year they are allowing people to sleep over. This will be great since driving home new years eve is one of the main deterrents for people, not wanting to drink and then drive home. We aren’t getting out as often these days, so I am really looking forward to tonight.

I wish you all a safe and sexy New Years Eve!