If I had courage, I would write about all the things that have been on my mind lately. I would tell you about our last hook up and how little sex Miguel and I have had together lately. My courage escapes me. It is almost non-existent these days. I have fear about my fears and I am struggling with keeping my scattered life together right now. I am unhappy with my schedule, but happy about my work. I am distancing myself from those I love and that is painful. I feel alone mostly these days, because I am alone. I am isolated in this life right now.
If I was witty at all, I could write up about the sexy things rolling around in my thoughts. I have sex on my mind, but the words don’t flow right. I feel dry not being able to express my sexuality. I feel disenchanted with toys lately. I want the flesh. I want the closeness of my lover on top of me. The scent of him all over me. It is not for lack of desire. I know we both want to be together, but time and schedules keep us apart.
I have to keep reminding myself it won’t always be like this. Even if it doesn’t change much, it isn’t all bad. But it will change, it has to. When I summon the nerve, I will write about everything. I will tell you about my battle with this silence and how I won.
Once upon a time the only thing that kept me from writing was time. Now the inspiration is not there. Writer’s block sucks.
I am sure I am not alone. As a blogger, I struggle sometimes to say what I mean and keep it interesting. As a sex blogger the shit is even more complicated. Keep it sexy, always. Sometimes it is easier to say what really happened, sometimes I get bored with that. I hit a brick wall this week with my creative writing. It has been too long since I had sexy inspiration. I have been reading other blogs and feeling less than adequate. I started out just looking for inspiration and I did feel inspired to blog something. But then what is it that you want from me? I might change my whole style. Then again I might not.
I can’t blame blogs entirely. I have been studying a whole lot as well. I have found a new religion in the sciences of the mind and of the world around me. This awareness has me mentally awed at what I am missing. It’s is like finding something new in my backyard. The thing was there the whole time, I just never noticed it. I need to get back to questioning everything. I take so much for granted, even my pattern of thinking. Complacency needs to stop right here, right now. No more faith without absolute proof. No more taking someone’s word for it. Question everything!
Anyways, that is where I am at right now. I am hoping to publish this and send these thoughts out to you. Hopefully it will give me the release I need.