Haters and Perverts

I have to talk about something that recently happened to me on twitter.

I was approached by a sex therapist in another state, he asked me “Why are you a swinger?”.

I responded to him, “Why not?”

He replied, “Just curious about why you choose this lifestyle.”

I then retorted, “I am very comfortable. This is a choice we made definitely not for everyone.”

He then went on to tell me he had just had a client come out of the lifestyle. I point blank asked him if he thought I was some sort of pervert for being a swinger. The conversation ended after that.

I probably shouldn’t have even engaged in this conversation, but it got me thinking. How many sex therapists there actually support this lifestyle choice? How many would not cast judgement and consider this some sort of deviant behavior? I guess it is right up there with kinky BDSM, (which we practice) and total-power-exchange, maybe it is even as odd or misfitting as a poly-amorous relationship! Heaven forbid, a relationship not fit some sort of society “norm”. Now I am a pervert! Well maybe I am but judging is wrong! My point here is that all of the people I know who do engage in these types of relationships feel they are closely related. They are not things to be compared or categorized, they are all forms of sex positive relationships.

I am not gonna sit here and say that this lifestyle works for everyone. It doesn’t. He asked me about jealousy and other things. I will tell you that I know plenty of couples that have been married for years that enjoy openness and trust enough to make it alternative sexuality work. I told him as much, what I should have said was “These kinds of relationships require trust and firm foundations, maybe that is why they last so long.” Is this something I see myself doing in 20 years, probably not, or who knows? I guess I’ll quit this lifestyle when it no longer suits my needs, as an individual, and our needs as a couple.

There has been plenty of talk on the net lately, or maybe I am just more aware of it now, that says that open relationships are becoming “normal”. The fact that we have a poly trio next door may not be that far away from normal. I am all for this sexual openness. We try as parents to teach tolerance. In being tolerant we are open to ideas about sexuality not explored by our parents and grandparents. Society is making us more open. I don’t have to venture too far to find a BDSM community. They may not be in the majority just yet, but just look they are everywhere. I envision a future with BDSM communities right next to LGBT communities. We are all looking for a place that makes us feel normal,with people just like ourselves.

The wonderful thing I am also beginning to see is that the internet is opening our eyes to ways we an support each other. Be it Fetlife or SwingLifeStyle we are finding ways to connect. We are also finding ways to advocate for each other too. Through sites like NCFS and NAASAS we are finding ways to get involved and help people victimized by sexual openness.

My point in all of this, is just a defense against the ignorance I might encounter by being open with my lifestyle. I hate all the haters, but I also realize the only way to enlighten them is to not be ashamed of my lifestyle. This is a choice I made, I hope you are happy with the choices you made and appreciate the ability to make those choices for yourself.


  1. Philip says:

    Yeah, I think judging is something that should be invited and not thrust upon. If I have a best friend or if I am a member of a faith where I subscribe to a certain set of standards then I expect to be judged by that friend or the other members of the congregation. But when it comes to randomly judging people because I don’t personally agree with their choices is insane.

  2. Have you ever read The Truth About Sex by Gloria Braume? omg I love the woman. Her views on sex are exactly like mine. I wish every sex therapist was like her, the woman rocks!
    Also people like to judge it’s apparently easier to be all do as I say not as I do. Nothing says perv like repression why do you think Utah has the highest porn viewing rate. Better to let the freak flag fly.

  3. Silverdrop says:

    Good for you.

    Now imagine the conversation going this way. “Why do you drink alcohol?” “Why not?” “Well I have a client that just became sober.”

    Whether or not this client left swinging because it was truly creating problems in his life, or because it didn’t interest him anymore, or because someone convinced him it was “wrong”, we can’t know. But whatever reason it is, how could it possibly be relevant to a twice removed internet stranger?

    Good for you for standing up for yourself and your own choices.

  4. mrsjojo says:

    I am most probably a field day for any quack lol I’ve been in the swinging lifestyle for a wee bit, at the time it was for me,a s I was discovering my sexual side but now, not so much. After all, we are an animal, a human animal and we have urges, as long as they don’t harm anyone or the person doing it, then why not?

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