Tag Archive for relationships

On Rejection

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One of the most awkward things in the lifestyle is rejection. Most swingers are friendly happy people. How do you say “no” to people you want to remain friends with? Not every couple is equally sexy. I am sure a lot of people could say that about Miguel and I. I have a whole list of reasons for rejecting someone. Just because I swing doesn’t mean I don’t have standards. On the flip side, I know I am not going to be attractive to everyone. We have been rejected plenty. There is a correct way to handle rejection. It is hard not to take it personally, but really, rejection is inevitable. We are a small group, eventually you will probably run into that couple again. Burning bridges is not something a seasoned couple does in this lifestyle. I am always shocked when I hear about people becoming rude when they get rejected. We have been cursed at and blocked, even threatened in a few rare occasions, all just for rejecting someone? Miguel has come up with the perfect phase that handles the awkwardness of a rejection.

“One of us isn’t interested in one of you.”

This releases blaming. We have been pretty fortunate that most couples are good at reading body language. Occasionally we have to walk away from people that are pursuing us. Just because we are at the club doesn’t mean we “have” to hook-up with anyone. I had a conversation with Rebecca and we talked about how we handle rejecting a couple that we don’t want to play with. She had a fun rule to pull out when she didn’t want a re-match with a couple,

“We only hook-up with a couple once.”

Sounds reasonable. Anything more than once would feel like dating. I know a few couples that really only ever hook-up with each other. To me that just seems weird and could invite too much jealousy. We have had a few re-matches with couples and it worked out most of the time. I definitely don’t want to date another couple though. Of course when you swing like that eventually one of you “takes one for the team.” We always said we wouldn’t be like that. We really try not to. Swing long enough and it happens. Another swinger friend I spoke with said she and her man removed themselves completely for a while after too many times of “taking one for the team.” It happens. A relationship is work and a swinger couple has to be even more diligent due to extra sexual factors.

We used to be more personal. It is so easy to reject someone at a swinger club. At a club if you don’t want to play with someone, just exit the conversation. I may see too many things at a club as rejection, but I don’t ever want to be that person that can’t take a hint. On the other hand, I have a short attention span. Then I get distracted and it seems that I have rejected someone, when that is hardly ever the case. We go to the club so often that I forget we are there to try to meet people and hook-up. I miss the ease of meeting a couple for drinks and then going from there. Of course, then we might be back to “taking one for the team”. Plus that requires so much work for Miguel. It is “work” he will enjoy I am sure. Things might move slower like this, but I think we are missing out by trying to “compete” at the club.

What amazes me in the lifestyle is when I think about when we have been rejected or taken one for the team. Even after all the b.s. that we might deal with, it is still the exception and not the rule.

Haters and Perverts

I have to talk about something that recently happened to me on twitter.

I was approached by a sex therapist in another state, he asked me “Why are you a swinger?”.

I responded to him, “Why not?”

He replied, “Just curious about why you choose this lifestyle.”

I then retorted, “I am very comfortable. This is a choice we made definitely not for everyone.”

He then went on to tell me he had just had a client come out of the lifestyle. I point blank asked him if he thought I was some sort of pervert for being a swinger. The conversation ended after that.

I probably shouldn’t have even engaged in this conversation, but it got me thinking. How many sex therapists there actually support this lifestyle choice? How many would not cast judgement and consider this some sort of deviant behavior? I guess it is right up there with kinky BDSM, (which we practice) and total-power-exchange, maybe it is even as odd or misfitting as a poly-amorous relationship! Heaven forbid, a relationship not fit some sort of society “norm”. Now I am a pervert! Well maybe I am but judging is wrong! My point here is that all of the people I know who do engage in these types of relationships feel they are closely related. They are not things to be compared or categorized, they are all forms of sex positive relationships.

I am not gonna sit here and say that this lifestyle works for everyone. It doesn’t. He asked me about jealousy and other things. I will tell you that I know plenty of couples that have been married for years that enjoy openness and trust enough to make it alternative sexuality work. I told him as much, what I should have said was “These kinds of relationships require trust and firm foundations, maybe that is why they last so long.” Is this something I see myself doing in 20 years, probably not, or who knows? I guess I’ll quit this lifestyle when it no longer suits my needs, as an individual, and our needs as a couple.

There has been plenty of talk on the net lately, or maybe I am just more aware of it now, that says that open relationships are becoming “normal”. The fact that we have a poly trio next door may not be that far away from normal. I am all for this sexual openness. We try as parents to teach tolerance. In being tolerant we are open to ideas about sexuality not explored by our parents and grandparents. Society is making us more open. I don’t have to venture too far to find a BDSM community. They may not be in the majority just yet, but just look they are everywhere. I envision a future with BDSM communities right next to LGBT communities. We are all looking for a place that makes us feel normal,with people just like ourselves.

The wonderful thing I am also beginning to see is that the internet is opening our eyes to ways we an support each other. Be it Fetlife or SwingLifeStyle we are finding ways to connect. We are also finding ways to advocate for each other too. Through sites like NCFS and NAASAS we are finding ways to get involved and help people victimized by sexual openness.

My point in all of this, is just a defense against the ignorance I might encounter by being open with my lifestyle. I hate all the haters, but I also realize the only way to enlighten them is to not be ashamed of my lifestyle. This is a choice I made, I hope you are happy with the choices you made and appreciate the ability to make those choices for yourself.