Tag Archive for realtionships

Same Room or Separate Swinging?


We went to the club last night and met a bunch of new couples. We participate in Swinger Speed Dating at the club whenever it is possible because it is a great chance to meet new people. There were a bunch of new couples at the club. (by new I mean new to me, not newbies) Rebecca Ammon hosts this event once a month. She always supplies a list of questions. The first question on the list last night was “Are you full swap, soft swap, seasoned or newbies?” We found a few newbies, but most of the couples were seasoned sluts experienced in the lifestyle. We found more than a handful that were not only full swap, they were full swap that played separately.

One of our “rules” is that we never play separately. Call me old fashioned but this for us is a hard limit. Most of the folks that have asked me personally to play separately were males that had problems performing with another man in the room. This is not what these couples told us drove them to play separately. The main reason these couples said play separately was that they found themselves distracted with their partner making noise next to them.


That is half the fun! Knowing Miguel is right there watching me, looking over at him. That is the biggest turn on. Seeing his face as he is enjoying himself. I am usually so caught up in what I am feeling during sex with him to enjoy this sight. I must confess that watching him enjoy himself has spurned many masturbation sessions for me and made it really easy to go from normal to completely turned on in order to test out various toys. (I have an awesome hobby) I just don’t think I could ever do this without him there. If my being turned on has ever driven Miguel to come sooner, well I think that is an even bigger turn on.

I have to admit that at first, in my early days of the lifestyle, I assumed that swinging separately was so sort of evolution of swinging. First comes voyeurism, then exhibitionism, then soft swap, then full swap, then playing separately. In that order. After meeting and talking to literally hundreds of swinger couples, I have found that this is not correct thinking. A lot of happy swingers find themselves very content at various levels and have no desire to move on to the “next” level. There is nothing wrong with this. People may assume that all swingers are like this, or that all swingers do that. The truth is that we are all similar in that we like sex, and then really anything goes from there. Miguel and I found this to be absolutely true right away. That is exactly why we have our hard limits and rules for swinging. Breaking any of our rules is not going to get us to the next level, it will get us fighting.

To be fair, I did notice that these couples did not start out swinging. The few couples we met that played separately had one thing in common…they all were an established couple for at least a few years (if not a decade+) before they decided to explore the lifestyle. We have never met a couple completely new to swinging that played separately. (other than a few that were actually in a poly relationship, but that doesn’t count) Does relationship length before swinging determine if a couple will end up playing separately? I guess Miguel and I dodged a bullet by getting into the lifestyle right away, while we are still relatively young and new to each other. This actually beings to my mind “key parties” of the 70′s that hosted to older couples. Ewwe! That is not for us.

Communication Breakdown


Swinging won’t fix a broken relationship. I have to say this again because we keep running into couples that actually think it will. I’m sorry. If you are on the outs, or just getting back together from being on the outs, this isn’t a good time. A swinging relationship takes work, more work even then a monogamous one.

We met a couple on Saturday that Miguel had been talking to for a while. We had a few drinks and then the truth came out, they were trying to fix something that had been severed within their relationship. Maybe opening up their relationship would make the infidelity that had occurred less severe. I struggled to listen as the girl poured her heart out. This was his idea and she was finally going to ‘submit’ to it. They were the sweetest couple, but I don’t like drama.

This is exactly the type of thing that I am scared of when we meet a newbie couple.

Had they ever done this before? Nope. Oh well there was this one time with a single guy… She blushed as she recounted in g-rated detail. She struggled even to say what they had done. Ashamed to have shared her bed with a lover as he watched.

This is probably not the lifestyle for you. Any couple that tells me they are trying to fix anything with a swinging hook-up is going to send an me running. The reason for this is simple, I don’t need that kind of drama. As Miguel always says “Save the drama for your momma!”

Let me just say that if they didn’t say anything about it, I would not have guessed that. They did a really good job before bringing any relationship crap up of playing a really cute, totally in love, couple. Imagine my surprise if I had found this out like…the next day? This information would have created guilt for me for not looking for clues in the conversation. I don’t want that kind of pressure in my fun. I want to think that every couple we play with both want to be there and for the right reasons.

Maybe I took the conversation wrong? I really hope so. Just in case let me bring up a couple of important points:

Swinging is not an easy fix for a sexually broken couples. If one or both of you can’t/won’t play then that needs to be said way before we get to the bedroom. I hate when I find a great couple and the male part can’t play with a condom on or she only wants to play with me and not my partner. No swinger wants to be part of that four person threesome.

Swinging won’t work for couples that can’t communicate. You need to be a little comfortable with your own sexuality. Be aware that sex is gonna come up and you should be comfortable with the terminology used in a conversation.

The swinger lifestyle is not for couple’s that can’t trust each other. I do not want to be anyone’s surprise. This lifestyle is about consensual sex, not forced sex to save a relationship. No swinging female wants to be part of a forced sex show to please your man. I can tell when you are not enjoying it and I am going to stop and call you on it.

Are you and your partner on the same page sexually? You should be. It can work for couples when they go forth together in trust. There has to be open communication and trust. The swinger lifestyle has opened me up to so many things but it has also closed some door for me. There is no room in a swinging relationship for jealousy. Even strong couples may at times find themselves struggling with this. I would never recommend this to a couple on the outs. Swinging takes work.

This lifestyle will not work for everyone, it just won’t.

Please don’t get into swinging thinking that you fix something broken in your relationship. Not all swingers are in the perfect relationship, there are those that are in this lifestyle for the wrong reasons. There are those that just swing together and have no relationship. Then are even those that really shouldn’t be swinging because everywhere they go they create drama. You don’t want to be one of those couples. A swinging relationship is meant for sex positive couples that have a good solid foundation of trust and communication. Work on open communication and if you still are curious then explore this together. Please don’t tell people you are doing this to fix something. No potential hook-up will want to deal with that kind of responsibility.

Confidence Bites

Okay so I read an article, which I also shared on facebook, about ‘Negging’. The basic premise is that most women like men who don’t trip over themselves to get attention. The strategy is to use a compliment and wrap in inside of a negative comment to get the girls attention. For example: “Did you highlight your hair? Why do women ruin their hair with highlights?” or “I really like your outfit. My (aunt/mother/grandmother) has the same one.” or “Did you know you have crinkles around your eyes when you laugh?”

The idea of making your comment stand out to a beautiful woman, I can sort of understand. When I hear something like this, I am intrigued. Did he just say that? This guy isn’t trying to get me to like him, he is almost doing the opposite, maybe I should try harder. Wow! He must have really high standards.

Women become immune to compliments, and they will shoot you down before you can make an impression. I can also understand bringing her ego down a peg or two. Women tend to like assholes, I know I do. A confident man will get my attention every time. Does every woman really respond to this? Is this a real strategy? Does this really work? What I mean is, do some guys set out to really do this purposefully? I always thought it was just natural for some people to never be able to give a real compliment without off shooting it with some thing negative.

Yes folks I googled it, and it is a whole strategy used to get girls! I am appalled! Really I never thought you guys were smart enough to know this about women. I cant really say anything, because it has worked on me before. Just wow! That some guy figured this out…amazing! Miguel actually said something during out first date. He made a comment about my hair being up, and how I should have it down. Guess how much I wear my hair up even to this day? Hardly ever…. so I fell for this. He swears it wasn’t on purpose, but the point is that it stuck out in my mind. Even to this day, and we have been together for years, I still think about it.

Speaking of confidence, and I am speaking to the guys here, this is a major factor. If you are going to try a neg hit, deliver it with confidence. If your confidence wavers this “neg” will not work. You will look like a big idiot. Don’t point out your flaws. If you are looking for a girlfriend, don’t worry about your flaws. Our girlfriends will point them out to us eventually. Tell me about what you are good at. Please take the lead in the bedroom. I have walked away from plenty of potential hook-ups because the guy couldn’t close the deal. Just some little tid bits…

On a whole different spectrum…females. Seems like there is always some over-confident woman at every party. You know her, you have seen her out. She is loud and makes people uncomfortable with her outrageous behavior. Ugh! I don’t like this girl. When I was younger…like 20 maybe, I was this girl. But no more. The thing that kills me about this girl is that she is never the prettiest girl. Don’t give me that “beauty is in the eye of the beholder” crap. She is not that sexy and she has to know it, or else she has never seen herself. She almost always comes with some hideous factor that makes her un-fuckable, at least for me. If I could just get past her personality, then her (fat, big nose, bad hair, bad sense of style, something) would still be there. I am very critical of what I look like when I leave the house. She is there to ruin potential hook-ups by scaring people away. Don’t express your interest in anyone in front of her, she will try to molest them. She might even succeed right in front of you. Oh well, we are at a swinger’s club, she’ll just laugh it off. The point is that I didn’t want you in the mix, damn it! This girl will find the most sexy people at the party and latch on to them, she is trying to prove something. Her putting the moves on that couple is a neg hit, and she knows it. She had the balls to do what you wouldn’t. Oh and heaven help you if you get two of these types together…it will get loud and chase all the sensible people away.

Yes, I am a frickin snob. I have standards. I do not sport fuck. Over confident women are a big turn off for me. Have confidence, by all means. But do it in a sensual way. Obnoxious is not sexy! Maybe she is trying to make up for her physical flaws by taking your attention away from it. I am too picky to let this go unnoticed. This girl might use a verbal neg hit too. Trying to bring you down to her level. A neg hit from a woman is not the same, since we know how we think. If a woman uses a neg hit, I am really going to go off the deep end. It will not make you attractive to me, I will use my flaw radar and mentally list all the crap I could say to you. I won’t though, because I have class. I will smile and walk away. I will avoid you like a plague. I will think the person you tried to “steal” from me obviously has no fucking standards. End of story.

Women use neg hits on other women to hurt. A neg hit shouldn’t hurt, it should be thought provoking and fixable. It should accentuate something cute about me that could be perceived as a flaw, but it is not. A neg hit says “I saw the real you, I liked it”. Without being brazen and insulting. Be sincere, not insulting if you use neg hits. Don’t use it as a “burn” in front of others. This is something you noticed about me, don’t say it to every girl. We do compare notes sometimes. Use humor if you can, it will take the sting away.

In my opinion, when men use neg hits they can work. Women, not so much. Compliments from women work on women. A well placed neg hit could actually work from a guy. Glad I don’t have to come up with a stupid strategy to get men. I am not that smooth. I am so glad not to have to be out there trying to find someone to love me for me. Some witty guy already sealed the deal with a (non-intentional) neg hit a few years ago.