Tag Archive for blogging

I shared my heart

Heart&Blue copy

I hopped over to my blogroll last week and went through each link one by one. Some of the links I found were a bit out of date, not being blogged on recently. Some lead me to other things. I found myself on a blog call Vagina Antics. I have been there before and it always good stuff. The blog is run by a duo of vagina rockstars Nikki Blue and Heather Cole. I actually spent a lot of time on this blog last week and decided it must be on my blogroll for my readers to discover. Also, I want everything these chicks blog about in my e-mail from now on!

The reason I bring them up specifically here is because I found on there so much about sex positivity and embracing oneself. I lost a good bit of time reading through the archives. They have a project going on right now called the wall of hearts. It is a collection of body parts that people have deemed their favorite thing about themselves. I fucking love this idea. I submitted a little something. It wasn’t as perfect as I had envisioned it. I have picture taking issues and this was a self shot. I wanted to submit more, because I have lots of parts I heart on my body.

But anyways, it felt awesome to think about my absolute favorite thing about me for a few minutes. It boosted my ego, (as big as it may seem it could always use a little extra stroking from time to time). It was cool to see other people’s favorite bits. I wanted to share the link with you guys so you could check it out and maybe even submit your own favorite part. Click on the picture below to go there.

 photo heartbadge1_zpscf52f057.jpg

Writer’s Block Sucks

writers-block

If I had courage, I would write about all the things that have been on my mind lately. I would tell you about our last hook up and how little sex Miguel and I have had together lately. My courage escapes me. It is almost non-existent these days. I have fear about my fears and I am struggling with keeping my scattered life together right now. I am unhappy with my schedule, but happy about my work. I am distancing myself from those I love and that is painful. I feel alone mostly these days, because I am alone. I am isolated in this life right now.

If I was witty at all, I could write up about the sexy things rolling around in my thoughts. I have sex on my mind, but the words don’t flow right. I feel dry not being able to express my sexuality. I feel disenchanted with toys lately. I want the flesh. I want the closeness of my lover on top of me. The scent of him all over me. It is not for lack of desire. I know we both want to be together, but time and schedules keep us apart.

I have to keep reminding myself it won’t always be like this. Even if it doesn’t change much, it isn’t all bad. But it will change, it has to. When I summon the nerve, I will write about everything. I will tell you about my battle with this silence and how I won.

Once upon a time the only thing that kept me from writing was time. Now the inspiration is not there. Writer’s block sucks.

I am sure I am not alone. As a blogger, I struggle sometimes to say what I mean and keep it interesting. As a sex blogger the shit is even more complicated. Keep it sexy, always. Sometimes it is easier to say what really happened, sometimes I get bored with that. I hit a brick wall this week with my creative writing. It has been too long since I had sexy inspiration. I have been reading other blogs and feeling less than adequate. I started out just looking for inspiration and I did feel inspired to blog something. But then what is it that you want from me? I might change my whole style. Then again I might not. HowToDefeatWritersBlock

I can’t blame blogs entirely. I have been studying a whole lot as well. I have found a new religion in the sciences of the mind and of the world around me. This awareness has me mentally awed at what I am missing. It’s is like finding something new in my backyard. The thing was there the whole time, I just never noticed it. I need to get back to questioning everything. I take so much for granted, even my pattern of thinking. Complacency needs to stop right here, right now. No more faith without absolute proof. No more taking someone’s word for it. Question everything!

Anyways, that is where I am at right now. I am hoping to publish this and send these thoughts out to you. Hopefully it will give me the release I need.

 

Computer Breakdown

broken_computer_3e4v

My work schedule has kept me from writing anything useful this week. I used to be less understanding when people told me they had “no time” to blog. The past four days I have enjoyed less than 3 wakeful hours at home. Just to make things worse, one of those precious hours was wasted in “car circles” waiting for little people. I love my little people, but I hate car circles.) So now I get it when people say they have “no time”. I am enjoying a day off right now. I was a bit shocked by the amount of things I found in my e-mail related to my site.

While checking those e-mails on Tuesday, my computer went black. It shut off and decided not to come back on. My Asus died on a Tuesday and there was nothing I could do about it. I am in a serious sweat to try to extract my content from my old hard drive. The fact that I could pull the hard drive out shows me how much I have evolved since I started this blog.

Okay, so Asus has recovered from a virus and held thousands of images and dozens of videos for me. It was witness to various encounters and my place to vent about crazy folks. It was a place I found my socially awkward self a place to be cool in the online world. I was recently diagnosed with a panic disorder. I have to confess that I am actually a socially awkward shy person. People who have met me would probably not believe it. I mask this unflattering world view with alcohol and feigned confidence. I worry about what people actually think of me, although their opinion is really none of my business. I fret over getting all the details of my appearance just right, and I am seldom happy with the outcome. I want to be honest with you, so you know who you are dealing with.

I bought a new laptop, a Sony Vaio. It is a bit of an upgrade since it features Windows 8 and a touchscreen. Windows 8 is totally different. I have been using Windows 7 for a long time. (Please don’t try to talk my into a Mac, I will never go there) I am in the process of recovering pictures and music. I will let you know how it goes.

I got a lot of reviews to do. Loads of contests just ended. I got more giveaways coming up as well… Oh and another website asked me to do a “class” with them next week. It is a Swinger intro class, so I will be answering questions and talking about my experience. I am a bit nervous. I promise to share all my awkwardness here for you to enjoy/laugh at.

I found myself on twitter this week. Trying to get some inspiration and maybe see if anyone else has suffered computer death and lived to tell the tale. I found some nice people who are trying to help me. @DomSigns from Molly’s Daily Kiss. (Yes folks, the #1 blogger from the top 100 sexy blogs 2012) I am so grateful for the time they have taken to try to help me. I am hopeful that I can get some content recovered. If not I guess that is all the more reason to the camera out…

BLOGLAND & TMI Tuesday

TMI

Another TMI Tuesday installment:

1. Do you write/manage another blog?

I don’t. I have thought about starting something more vanilla. I even considered doing something with my oldest child to help her explore her writing, but I really don’t have the time it would take to make it successful.

2. Pick 3 random blogs from your blogroll and tell us why they are on your blog roll.

Hey Epiphora- I am borderline obsessed with this blogger. She writes very snarky reviews, she’s opinionated and real. Her site is clean and easy to navigate. Her reviews are humorous and well written. If you have never read Epiphora I highly recommend you give her a look, she is awesome!

BeckandHerKinks -this blogger is someone who participates in lots of Meme’s (like me). Her blog is fairly new, but I am really liking her style. One post will be a review and the next is a sexy picture. It keeps it fresh and interesting.

Journey to the Darkside -this blog is the work of a female/submissive in a TPE couple. Her blog has been going since 2005 and she still finds things to write about almost daily. She is a very sweet girl with a very naughty side. I love chatting with her on twitter, too.

3. Look around your blog, tell us about two pages or links you want us to visit, be sure to provide a link to them in your answer to this question.

First, this page. I have altered this page at least 10x and I would love feedback on it. Is there anything people want to know about, is it TMI?

Second, this page. One of my favorite things about this theme is that it has a site map. I wish people would use it (hint, hint, Miguel!) instead of asking me where to find all the swinger stories and pics. All of the categories are listed so it organizes the posts for you. So you can find exactly what you are looking for. If you want a particular review, go here and search for it.

4. Do you have any unique interests that you have never shared before? What are they?

I am pretty open with my interests. I have blogged or at least mentioned my interests: reading, garbage television, the occult, sex, sex toys, writing…oh wait there is one. (see next question)

5. What’s your current obsession?

Miguel and I recently purchased guns. (A Taurus Gen2 .45 and a Walther PPQ 9mm respectively.) I have thought about making a video review of my new weapon. Miguel used to be a cop, and we were both in the military but still, do I know enough to make a quality review? I don’t know, but I think I want to try. It looks like they need more of a female perspective in gun reviews. I really do enjoy going to the gun range. It has become my new stress relief!

Bonus: Has blogging helped or hurt your sex life?

I think it has helped my sex life. I doubt we would have ever experienced prostate play if it wasn’t for reviewing sex toys. Also, cock rings and clitoral toys galore. I might still be masturbating in secret if it wasn’t for this blog.

See who else is playing TMI Tuesday.

Struggling with the Swing

jealousy

I have been wanting to blog about our last two hook-ups. The thing is that after thinking about the details, I have decided not to. There are some really good reasons for this…#1 reason, these folks read my blog. That puts undue pressure on my writing. I hate to fucking sensor myself. Sometimes it is not awesome that people actually read my posts. I hate the pressure of putting everything in a positive light. It is not all good, but it wasn’t all bad either.

One of the factors I have encountered with these last two hook-ups.

Jealousy.

I hate it, but it happens. I have shared before about my struggle with jealousy. I don’t always keep my emotions in check. I am fiercely jealous. I don’t/can’t stomach the thought of someone enjoying Miguel without me being right there. I have had my jealousy rage almost out of control before. This wasn’t like that. This was like a slight oversight. No rules were really broken on purpose. We were in the same room per se, but…same room slightly out of my line of vision. No, that’s not cool. Also really not cool, when I make someone else feel something like that when we play.

I am really sorry for that.

It is not that he had sex with another woman. It has nothing to do with her really. The mistake I made last year was that I thought it was person specific. We play with different people almost exclusively. You can think/talk about it all you want. You can’t always control how you feel. One of the most important thing about swinging is communication. I am very grateful that we proceeded into the lifestyle in a way that didn’t make me feel threatened. I felt like I could have stopped at any point and just knowing that made me feel free to explore until we evolved into the a comfortable place. I didn’t really feel any jealousy until last year. Then I felt like we needed to stop right there. As a result, we took a time out. Since communication is so essential I shared what it was about it that bothered me.

I don’t like the way the last two hook-ups went. If I could go back, I would have done things differently. I can’t. I can’t fix the fact that I made someone else feel like that. I know it was not anyone’s intention. I still would have went out on the dates. I still wouldn’t change our lifestyle. I am actually really glad that I felt jealous. Fear fuels my jealousy. Here is what happens as a result of my fear, I become a more attentive lover. I want nothing more than to please and keep my love’s affections. It is not that I actually think Miguel would leave me for a swinger hook-up, that is just ridiculous! It is just that I want to share in every orgasm he has with a woman. I want to be there to enjoy it. So what! So this is how we swing. I don’t think there is anything wrong with a little bit of jealousy, as long as it is communicated and not exploited.

Excuse me

Mind Vomit

I know I have been only posting sporadically lately. I feel very far away from my site at the moment.

I started my new job. The great news is that it doesn’t suck. It isn’t overwhelming. I am putting my learned skills to use and that feels really good. I find myself not watching the clock at work. I can’t really express here with words how fucking good it is to have a job that doesn’t insult my intelligence or my integrity. I feel really lucky. I know I may not feel this way next year, or next month even. In this economy getting this job was such a blessing. To think that just a few months ago I considered leaving my career due to lack of opportunities. I know that spell of hard times has made me really appreciating how things are going now. Strange to feel this way.

I got my other big wish two weeks ago and my babysitter moved out. The details are complicated. It needed to happen. I felt suffocated in my own home. I have a big empty room now. I also have no adult to leave home with my kids. I didn’t really think that would be a big deal. The older kids are legally old enough, but it makes me uncomfortable. Fucking hindsight is always 20/20! So we will be going out less. Really trying to make each night out count.

We did get out last Saturday night. We chatted with a couple we see there often. The man seemed a bit mad. I prodded, cuz that is what I do, and he shared that he was frustrated with going out and not hooking up. He expressed frustration about the distance, the cover charge, the cost of drinks. All of that, and not even a glimmer of hope that there would be a hook-up.

I bit my tongue.

The truth is that I have heard these same complaints from Miguel before. I agree that there is always a bit of pressure to make a hook-up happen when you go out. It just seems like a pointless expense without it, but… sometimes I just want to go out. I sometimes don’t want a hook-up. I am still milling this over. I could totally understand his frustration. I see both sides of this argument. But I have to admit that we didn’t hook-up with anyone at this party.

We met a lot of nice people. We even met a poly/TPE/swinger couple. So rare at a swinger club. We talked about how fetish and swinger don’t mix so well. They could if they had an understanding of the ground rules, but people are stupid. Each side has views on the other and generally, they just don’t mix well. It is ridiculous that swingers or fetish folk might be judgmental of anyone, but I have witnessed it. Once I really opened myself up to being sex positive, there is no going back. I am committed to keeping an open mind and hopefully we will be checking out some of the recommended venues coming up in the coming year. I don’t care what people think, this is my life and I don’t want to miss a thing.

So that is my mind vomit of the moment. The other thing really on my mind is the tragedy that happened last Friday. I don’t really want to talk about it, but I can’t stop thinking about it. I know a lot of people, like me, are still in shock. That something like that could even happen. I am heartbroken. I keep thinking about it. I guess it really hit home that this is the world we live in. I don’t really know what else to say about it that hasn’t been said already. I am trying to not waste today.