Tag Archive for advice

e[lust] #45

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Photo courtesy of CreativNooky

Welcome to e[lust] - The only place where the smartest and hottest sex bloggers are featured under one roof every month. Whether you’re looking for sex journalism, erotic writing, relationship advice or kinky discussions it’ll be here at e[lust].  Want to be included in e[lust] #46? Start with the newly updated rules, come back May 1st to submit something and subscribe to the RSS feed for updates!

 

~ This Week’s Top Three Posts ~

 

Bringing Toxic Sex Toy Facts Out of the Attic

How Do I Get My Wife to Dominate Me?

I Need This

 

~ Featured Posts (Molly’s Picks) ~

Speaking the unspeakable

#safetytipsforladies

 

All blogs that have a submission in this edition must re-post this digest from tip-to-toe on their blogs within 7 days. Re-posting the photo is optional and the use of the “read more…” tag is allowable after this point. Thank you, and enjoy!

 

Thoughts & Advice on Sex & Relationships

Easy Come Easy Go: A Look at Orgasm Control
I came before I was ready
Relationships and age difference
PolyAnna’s Musings: Different is Good, Right?
Seriously Proud Queer
Spanking Kink of the Week
How to Be Good in Bed
A Thousand Small Unhappinesses
What’s in a Number?
The Absence ofHow to Tell if a Man is Gay
Stop Shitting on the Bottoms

 

Sex News, Interviews, Politics & Humor

It’s Not Misandry, You’re a Douchebag

 

CatalystCon

Catalyst: How it Inspired

 

Thoughts & Advice on Kink & Fetish

Caning: To count or not to count
Slavery and Social Death, by O. Patterson
His Eyes Hungry. His Body Pleads: Use Me!
Toilet Whore
And then, I apologized.

 

Erotic Fiction

Wicked Wednesday: A little bit of confusion
The Moment
Detached
Waxing Lyrical
The “L” word
Gorge
Lolita Twenty-Thirteen, Part Three
Difficult

 

Erotic Non Fiction

Girl on Girl
The Moment I Felt Owned
Tasting Her
Acting on Instructions
Final Cruise
Quickie
A Lazy Sadistic Orgasm
I had 8 days of sex.
An hour together
Cheerful Disappointment
What is Erotic?
The Coin Flip
Playing with Adam
A Trip to the Hardware Store
Fall From Grace

 

 Eroticon

A Somewhat Different Eroticon2013 4~part Post

 

Poetry

The Dark Place

 

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Toys for Couples

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How can we make sex more fun? Okay, so nobody really asks that because sex is just about the most fun thing you can do in this lifetime. Seriously, how can we take the most fun thing we can do and make it better? Make it so that she gets off every time? Most woman need a little help, some don’t need any. I actually do need help during sex to get off. I have a few go-to toys that work consistently and are easy to use.

First, and my favorite, is the small powerful clitoral vibe. There are plenty to choose from. Like power? Try a RO-88mm Bullet.  For less than $30, this vibe has tons of power and it is small enough to fit between two bodies. There are loads of other small clitoral vibrators that can be used at the right moment to enhance an orgasm for her and make it extra fun for him as well. I actually keep a few clitoral toys on hand next to the bed. They are always ready to go and there are a few of them just in case one loses power before I get off. These toys are small and can easily be hidden. Most of them are waterproof and easy to clean.

Cock rings are another option and they can be fun for both partners. If you have the right ring at the right angle. I really like the LELO Tor II but honestly it can be too tight on some men. Also, it has a big price tag. Fit is really important. The guy would have to enjoy a cock ring, some men don’t. The Sonic Ring Kit would be a good one to start out with. It is inexpensive and has a removable vibrator if all else fails. If you have never tried a ring, give it a go. You never know how much it can add to the experience.

There are some vibrators that work during sex without having to be worn by the male. The We-Vibe is an example of those types of vibes. The woman wears them and it vibrates the clitoris and the g-spot. Hands free stimulation so he (or she) can still penetrate. Positioning is really important and not all women will be able to enjoy this much if the fit isn’t right. The vibrations might not be powerful enough for some women. When this vibe works it is magical, but when it doesn’t it is a big ole waste of money.

I did not mention any g-spot toys in this because I only want to highlight toys that (hetero) couples can use during intercourse. If a couple is into anal play there are also loads of those type toys on the market. Most can be worn during sex (in either partner) to help make the most fun thing we do, even better. For anal toys I caution people to be real careful with materials. You really don’t want to play with something in that orifice that can’t be sterilized. Silicone and glass are at the top of my list of safe materials. Silicone is somewhat better for first times since it usually has some kind of give. Silicone is easy to clean with a 10% bleach solution and can even be boiled for 3 minutes to sterilize. For anal play something like the Silk is a good first time toy. The nice thing about this toy is the flared base making it less likely get lost. Once you get more experience a butt plug is great during sex. Most plugs are designed to stay in as long as care to wear it. Also, most toys can be felt by the man through the vaginal wall.

I hope this helps you figure out where to start. There are a lot of options. Babeland has a number of guides that will show you where to start if you still have questions.

This post was sponsored by Babeland.

Struggling with the Swing

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I have been wanting to blog about our last two hook-ups. The thing is that after thinking about the details, I have decided not to. There are some really good reasons for this…#1 reason, these folks read my blog. That puts undue pressure on my writing. I hate to fucking sensor myself. Sometimes it is not awesome that people actually read my posts. I hate the pressure of putting everything in a positive light. It is not all good, but it wasn’t all bad either.

One of the factors I have encountered with these last two hook-ups.

Jealousy.

I hate it, but it happens. I have shared before about my struggle with jealousy. I don’t always keep my emotions in check. I am fiercely jealous. I don’t/can’t stomach the thought of someone enjoying Miguel without me being right there. I have had my jealousy rage almost out of control before. This wasn’t like that. This was like a slight oversight. No rules were really broken on purpose. We were in the same room per se, but…same room slightly out of my line of vision. No, that’s not cool. Also really not cool, when I make someone else feel something like that when we play.

I am really sorry for that.

It is not that he had sex with another woman. It has nothing to do with her really. The mistake I made last year was that I thought it was person specific. We play with different people almost exclusively. You can think/talk about it all you want. You can’t always control how you feel. One of the most important thing about swinging is communication. I am very grateful that we proceeded into the lifestyle in a way that didn’t make me feel threatened. I felt like I could have stopped at any point and just knowing that made me feel free to explore until we evolved into the a comfortable place. I didn’t really feel any jealousy until last year. Then I felt like we needed to stop right there. As a result, we took a time out. Since communication is so essential I shared what it was about it that bothered me.

I don’t like the way the last two hook-ups went. If I could go back, I would have done things differently. I can’t. I can’t fix the fact that I made someone else feel like that. I know it was not anyone’s intention. I still would have went out on the dates. I still wouldn’t change our lifestyle. I am actually really glad that I felt jealous. Fear fuels my jealousy. Here is what happens as a result of my fear, I become a more attentive lover. I want nothing more than to please and keep my love’s affections. It is not that I actually think Miguel would leave me for a swinger hook-up, that is just ridiculous! It is just that I want to share in every orgasm he has with a woman. I want to be there to enjoy it. So what! So this is how we swing. I don’t think there is anything wrong with a little bit of jealousy, as long as it is communicated and not exploited.

Failure to Follow Instructions

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Meeting potential couples is a bit of a dance. Show interest with a wink, write and e-mail, make a phone call, voice verify, answer questions and go over the rules, set up the meeting. It is not always the same. Obviously meeting people at a club wouldn’t follow this pattern. Meeting people over the internet usually does. Sometimes the e-mails go on for weeks, or even months until the schedule coincide and a date is made. Some people will not be rushed into meeting and that is fine. Some people are really worth the wait. Sometimes we get right to it and then we meet.

We all have lives outside of swinging. We have careers, some of us have kids and other responsibilities. We can’t all run out at the drop of a hat and meet new people for a potential hook-up, (although I wish we had that kind of freedom). Some of us can’t chat about swinging on the phone. Little ears and work may restrict the conversation during certain hours.

An unspoken rule for me is to follow instructions. This goes for us and them. If they ask me to call, I call. If they want to see a picture I send it. If I ask them to call me at a certain time, I make myself available to chat. I am picky. I will write someone off before I even meet them if they fail to follow instructions. In the swinger world instructions are important. Even more so because of what we intend to do together. What does it say about someone when they can’t follow simple instructions? I am not talking about step-by-step instructions, although we have received and followed them for certain situations. I am talking about a little thing like a good time to call me to chat. If you call me three hours later don’t be surprised if I can’t chat. I have kids and a night time job. My kids are old enough to know that when I talk low it’s because I don’t want them to hear, (and then miraculously they can hear everything).

Another unspoken rule I have is that if you invite another couple on our date, you should tell us about it. I don’t mind a few extra players, but I like to be informed. As a courtesy maybe you should send us a picture of them. Don’t they want to know what we look like? That is fine if you send one of us to them. We are not ken and barbie but we do have standards. We had a date at the Hard Rock hotel a while back with a couple that had invited two other couples to the same party on the same night. The thing is that there was no mention of other couple(s). One of the couples ended up being really high maintenance and ruining the night. We probably wouldn’t have been able to predict it even if we knew there would be extra players. I find it kind of ironic that we knew the other couple (not the high maintenance one, the other one). What are the odds? Pretty good actually because swingers are a small community. Even if you don’t know me, you probably know someone I know in this area. This is just common courtesy really. 1

So there! I feel better now that I got that off my chest and you all know that I am a bit of a control freak. I want to be in the know so bad. I want people who have a bit of common sense and courtesy. Am I asking too much?

Listen, I always try to extend people a bit of common courtesy. I even take it the extra step and try to read body language so that I don’t overstep boundaries and make potential hook-ups uncomfortable. Oh shit! What if I am the high maintenance person here? No fuck that! I have a right to be picky. I don’t have to lower my standards to swing. There are plenty of sexy courteous people in the lifestyle. If you can’t follow simple instructions I guess I don’t want to fuck you.

  1. For the record that night ended up being a waste of time since we didn’t hook-up with anyone and didn’t even have a good time there. Ugh!

P-Spot Play and Massage

The month of November is prostate cancer awareness month. Movember is a moment meant to raise awareness of prostate cancer and other male cancer and associated charities. You can register over at http://www.movember.com and then just let your mustache grow showing the world you care about men’s health. Miguel already has a mustache, so we aren’t really participating. While I am on the subject of men’s health, I thought I might use this opportunity to talk about prostate play. There is a reason there are so many toys made specifically for prostate play. Don’t neglect your prostate! There are actually two ways to massage the p-spot.

  1. External massage requires only to massage the perineum (the area between the scrotum and anus). The external massaging of this area during a blow job will enhance the sensation and stimulate the external prostate. This is great for a man that is too intimidated to try internal massage.
  2. Internal massage not only feels wonderful, but it also helps to release the toxins stored inside of the prostate. In fact, doctors recommend prostate milking for any guy who has issues with their prostate, or wants to avoid issues in the future.

Anatomical aspects:

The prostate is a walnut-sized gland located between the bladder and the penis. The prostate is just in front of the rectum. The prostate secretes fluid that nourishes and protects sperm. During ejaculation, the prostate squeezes this fluid into the urethra, and it’s expelled with sperm as semen. Men with enlarged prostates have a hard time releasing urine through the urethra since it also goes through the prostate. After the age of 50 virtually ALL men have BPH (benign prostate hyperplasia). Not to scare anyone, but for most guys it is just a matter of when they will experience BPH. Prostate massage is useful for prostatitis, and inflammation of the prostate caused by blocked ducts in the prostate gland. It is not for acute prostatitis, because it could be dangerous.

Highly Recommended Prostate Toys:

Nexus

Aneros

Rocks Off Limited

Tantus

LELO

Lux Male (BMS Enterprises)

Evolved

 

Once you get your toy all picked out, get yourself,(or your partner), into a comfortable position. Get some lube on the head of the massager and slowly rub it on the anus. Try external prostate massage to help relax the sphincter muscles. Once it relaxes slowly slide it in. You can pair this with a hand job or blow job for extra fun. His response will probably be, “Best orgasm ever!”

Most men that have tried prostate massage will tell you that it produces some of the strongest orgasms they have ever felt.

Some men find that vibrations are too intense for initial prostate massage. I suggest starting off with something not vibrating for first contact. Prostate massage can also be done manually. Just lube up a finger and slide it in. Feel for the “bulb” towards the front of the body about 1″ above the sphincter and then stroke it in a “come here” motion, (be sure that your nails are trimmed). Sounds a bit similar to the g-spot for women right?

Once you establish that you have correctly located the prostate you can explore vibrations and various pressures to achieve the desired stimulation.

Obviously, once a man has explored prostate massage and fells it’s awesome power he will be more open to it. The Get-a-Grip prostate massager(by evolved) is one of my favorites because is small and non-threatening. It is thinner than the width of a finger and it won’t get accidentally turned around during play. This toy is pretty inexpensive as well, so if you (or your partner) hate it, you won’t have thrown out a bunch on money. It can be used with a partner or solo. I recently reviewed the Helix Syn (aneros) and found this manual toy to provide excellent p-spot massage. The other toys lines I suggested are recommendations from fellow reviewers.

What is really great about some toys is that it also consider the external perineum. The external perineum is located between the scrotum and the anus. Do not think that this erogenous area on the male anatomy should be ignored. A firm knuckle or two finger massage on the sensitive area between the anus and scrotum will enhance a hand job or blow job and help take his orgasm to the next level.

Communication Breakdown

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Swinging won’t fix a broken relationship. I have to say this again because we keep running into couples that actually think it will. I’m sorry. If you are on the outs, or just getting back together from being on the outs, this isn’t a good time. A swinging relationship takes work, more work even then a monogamous one.

We met a couple on Saturday that Miguel had been talking to for a while. We had a few drinks and then the truth came out, they were trying to fix something that had been severed within their relationship. Maybe opening up their relationship would make the infidelity that had occurred less severe. I struggled to listen as the girl poured her heart out. This was his idea and she was finally going to ‘submit’ to it. They were the sweetest couple, but I don’t like drama.

This is exactly the type of thing that I am scared of when we meet a newbie couple.

Had they ever done this before? Nope. Oh well there was this one time with a single guy… She blushed as she recounted in g-rated detail. She struggled even to say what they had done. Ashamed to have shared her bed with a lover as he watched.

This is probably not the lifestyle for you. Any couple that tells me they are trying to fix anything with a swinging hook-up is going to send an me running. The reason for this is simple, I don’t need that kind of drama. As Miguel always says “Save the drama for your momma!”

Let me just say that if they didn’t say anything about it, I would not have guessed that. They did a really good job before bringing any relationship crap up of playing a really cute, totally in love, couple. Imagine my surprise if I had found this out like…the next day? This information would have created guilt for me for not looking for clues in the conversation. I don’t want that kind of pressure in my fun. I want to think that every couple we play with both want to be there and for the right reasons.

Maybe I took the conversation wrong? I really hope so. Just in case let me bring up a couple of important points:

Swinging is not an easy fix for a sexually broken couples. If one or both of you can’t/won’t play then that needs to be said way before we get to the bedroom. I hate when I find a great couple and the male part can’t play with a condom on or she only wants to play with me and not my partner. No swinger wants to be part of that four person threesome.

Swinging won’t work for couples that can’t communicate. You need to be a little comfortable with your own sexuality. Be aware that sex is gonna come up and you should be comfortable with the terminology used in a conversation.

The swinger lifestyle is not for couple’s that can’t trust each other. I do not want to be anyone’s surprise. This lifestyle is about consensual sex, not forced sex to save a relationship. No swinging female wants to be part of a forced sex show to please your man. I can tell when you are not enjoying it and I am going to stop and call you on it.

Are you and your partner on the same page sexually? You should be. It can work for couples when they go forth together in trust. There has to be open communication and trust. The swinger lifestyle has opened me up to so many things but it has also closed some door for me. There is no room in a swinging relationship for jealousy. Even strong couples may at times find themselves struggling with this. I would never recommend this to a couple on the outs. Swinging takes work.

This lifestyle will not work for everyone, it just won’t.

Please don’t get into swinging thinking that you fix something broken in your relationship. Not all swingers are in the perfect relationship, there are those that are in this lifestyle for the wrong reasons. There are those that just swing together and have no relationship. Then are even those that really shouldn’t be swinging because everywhere they go they create drama. You don’t want to be one of those couples. A swinging relationship is meant for sex positive couples that have a good solid foundation of trust and communication. Work on open communication and if you still are curious then explore this together. Please don’t tell people you are doing this to fix something. No potential hook-up will want to deal with that kind of responsibility.