Archive for realtionships

Struggling with the Swing

jealousy

I have been wanting to blog about our last two hook-ups. The thing is that after thinking about the details, I have decided not to. There are some really good reasons for this…#1 reason, these folks read my blog. That puts undue pressure on my writing. I hate to fucking sensor myself. Sometimes it is not awesome that people actually read my posts. I hate the pressure of putting everything in a positive light. It is not all good, but it wasn’t all bad either.

One of the factors I have encountered with these last two hook-ups.

Jealousy.

I hate it, but it happens. I have shared before about my struggle with jealousy. I don’t always keep my emotions in check. I am fiercely jealous. I don’t/can’t stomach the thought of someone enjoying Miguel without me being right there. I have had my jealousy rage almost out of control before. This wasn’t like that. This was like a slight oversight. No rules were really broken on purpose. We were in the same room per se, but…same room slightly out of my line of vision. No, that’s not cool. Also really not cool, when I make someone else feel something like that when we play.

I am really sorry for that.

It is not that he had sex with another woman. It has nothing to do with her really. The mistake I made last year was that I thought it was person specific. We play with different people almost exclusively. You can think/talk about it all you want. You can’t always control how you feel. One of the most important thing about swinging is communication. I am very grateful that we proceeded into the lifestyle in a way that didn’t make me feel threatened. I felt like I could have stopped at any point and just knowing that made me feel free to explore until we evolved into the a comfortable place. I didn’t really feel any jealousy until last year. Then I felt like we needed to stop right there. As a result, we took a time out. Since communication is so essential I shared what it was about it that bothered me.

I don’t like the way the last two hook-ups went. If I could go back, I would have done things differently. I can’t. I can’t fix the fact that I made someone else feel like that. I know it was not anyone’s intention. I still would have went out on the dates. I still wouldn’t change our lifestyle. I am actually really glad that I felt jealous. Fear fuels my jealousy. Here is what happens as a result of my fear, I become a more attentive lover. I want nothing more than to please and keep my love’s affections. It is not that I actually think Miguel would leave me for a swinger hook-up, that is just ridiculous! It is just that I want to share in every orgasm he has with a woman. I want to be there to enjoy it. So what! So this is how we swing. I don’t think there is anything wrong with a little bit of jealousy, as long as it is communicated and not exploited.

Same Room or Separate Swinging?

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We went to the club last night and met a bunch of new couples. We participate in Swinger Speed Dating at the club whenever it is possible because it is a great chance to meet new people. There were a bunch of new couples at the club. (by new I mean new to me, not newbies) Rebecca Ammon hosts this event once a month. She always supplies a list of questions. The first question on the list last night was “Are you full swap, soft swap, seasoned or newbies?” We found a few newbies, but most of the couples were seasoned sluts experienced in the lifestyle. We found more than a handful that were not only full swap, they were full swap that played separately.

One of our “rules” is that we never play separately. Call me old fashioned but this for us is a hard limit. Most of the folks that have asked me personally to play separately were males that had problems performing with another man in the room. This is not what these couples told us drove them to play separately. The main reason these couples said play separately was that they found themselves distracted with their partner making noise next to them.

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That is half the fun! Knowing Miguel is right there watching me, looking over at him. That is the biggest turn on. Seeing his face as he is enjoying himself. I am usually so caught up in what I am feeling during sex with him to enjoy this sight. I must confess that watching him enjoy himself has spurned many masturbation sessions for me and made it really easy to go from normal to completely turned on in order to test out various toys. (I have an awesome hobby) I just don’t think I could ever do this without him there. If my being turned on has ever driven Miguel to come sooner, well I think that is an even bigger turn on.

I have to admit that at first, in my early days of the lifestyle, I assumed that swinging separately was so sort of evolution of swinging. First comes voyeurism, then exhibitionism, then soft swap, then full swap, then playing separately. In that order. After meeting and talking to literally hundreds of swinger couples, I have found that this is not correct thinking. A lot of happy swingers find themselves very content at various levels and have no desire to move on to the “next” level. There is nothing wrong with this. People may assume that all swingers are like this, or that all swingers do that. The truth is that we are all similar in that we like sex, and then really anything goes from there. Miguel and I found this to be absolutely true right away. That is exactly why we have our hard limits and rules for swinging. Breaking any of our rules is not going to get us to the next level, it will get us fighting.

To be fair, I did notice that these couples did not start out swinging. The few couples we met that played separately had one thing in common…they all were an established couple for at least a few years (if not a decade+) before they decided to explore the lifestyle. We have never met a couple completely new to swinging that played separately. (other than a few that were actually in a poly relationship, but that doesn’t count) Does relationship length before swinging determine if a couple will end up playing separately? I guess Miguel and I dodged a bullet by getting into the lifestyle right away, while we are still relatively young and new to each other. This actually beings to my mind “key parties” of the 70′s that hosted to older couples. Ewwe! That is not for us.

Excuse me

Mind Vomit

I know I have been only posting sporadically lately. I feel very far away from my site at the moment.

I started my new job. The great news is that it doesn’t suck. It isn’t overwhelming. I am putting my learned skills to use and that feels really good. I find myself not watching the clock at work. I can’t really express here with words how fucking good it is to have a job that doesn’t insult my intelligence or my integrity. I feel really lucky. I know I may not feel this way next year, or next month even. In this economy getting this job was such a blessing. To think that just a few months ago I considered leaving my career due to lack of opportunities. I know that spell of hard times has made me really appreciating how things are going now. Strange to feel this way.

I got my other big wish two weeks ago and my babysitter moved out. The details are complicated. It needed to happen. I felt suffocated in my own home. I have a big empty room now. I also have no adult to leave home with my kids. I didn’t really think that would be a big deal. The older kids are legally old enough, but it makes me uncomfortable. Fucking hindsight is always 20/20! So we will be going out less. Really trying to make each night out count.

We did get out last Saturday night. We chatted with a couple we see there often. The man seemed a bit mad. I prodded, cuz that is what I do, and he shared that he was frustrated with going out and not hooking up. He expressed frustration about the distance, the cover charge, the cost of drinks. All of that, and not even a glimmer of hope that there would be a hook-up.

I bit my tongue.

The truth is that I have heard these same complaints from Miguel before. I agree that there is always a bit of pressure to make a hook-up happen when you go out. It just seems like a pointless expense without it, but… sometimes I just want to go out. I sometimes don’t want a hook-up. I am still milling this over. I could totally understand his frustration. I see both sides of this argument. But I have to admit that we didn’t hook-up with anyone at this party.

We met a lot of nice people. We even met a poly/TPE/swinger couple. So rare at a swinger club. We talked about how fetish and swinger don’t mix so well. They could if they had an understanding of the ground rules, but people are stupid. Each side has views on the other and generally, they just don’t mix well. It is ridiculous that swingers or fetish folk might be judgmental of anyone, but I have witnessed it. Once I really opened myself up to being sex positive, there is no going back. I am committed to keeping an open mind and hopefully we will be checking out some of the recommended venues coming up in the coming year. I don’t care what people think, this is my life and I don’t want to miss a thing.

So that is my mind vomit of the moment. The other thing really on my mind is the tragedy that happened last Friday. I don’t really want to talk about it, but I can’t stop thinking about it. I know a lot of people, like me, are still in shock. That something like that could even happen. I am heartbroken. I keep thinking about it. I guess it really hit home that this is the world we live in. I don’t really know what else to say about it that hasn’t been said already. I am trying to not waste today.

 

Q & A Swinger Style ~ Rich & Gina

Swinger Q & A

I am starting a new feature here on KissinBlueKaren. This is the first, in what I hope will be many interviews with a swinger couple.

Rich and Gina are a married couple that have been together for 18 years. They have been swinging for 13 years. I have personally known Rich and Gina for a few years now. They are the kind of people that know everyone and everyone knows them, or at least has seen them. They are the real deal. A super sexy couple with zero drama.

 

We’re looking for other couples and singles which we are sexually attracted to. We both take very good care of our bodies and are looking for others who do the same. Good hygiene is also a must…soap & water, deodorant, toothpaste & mouth wash are your friends. If you want to meet us, please make sure your pics are up-to-date! We keep ours very current. We want to meet who’s in the pics, not who was in the pics a year to 7 years ago! A lot can change in one year! We are not into only being “watched” or only “watching”. We are a full swap only couple and prefer separate room play after some girl/girl if the girl is truly bi and NOT being pushed! However, we’re not opposed to playing in the same room as we usually always do in the Hedo Room at Eyz on Saturdays! ;)

These two are living the lifestyle that some people only dream about. A very fun couple that are both enjoying their lifestyle choice.

How did the two of you get into the lifestyle? Whose idea was it?

There was a hot blonde that sat next to Rich in a class he was taking, the last night of it she gave him a really dirty letter telling him how she was going to fuck him.  He told me about the letter, and I was touched that we have such a close relationship that he told me.  As he was describing what the letter said, I was getting turned on and said, “She just wants to fuck you?  You know what, have her over, I want to watch!”

What was your first swinging experience like?

It was a love/hate kind of feeling (we full swapped).  It really turned us on and hurt our feelings a little at the same time, but we fucked the hell out of each other when we got home and for the whole next day after.  Then the next time we swung, it was all good.  Just the first time was a little awkward.

How do you meet new people?

Online and tell them to meet us at the club.

Does anyone in your family know you swing? Do your co-workers know? Has anyone ever tried to talk you out of your lifestyle?

Our parents know, but we are very private about it for our business.  We don’t want clients at work to know, it’s our private life.

What was your most memorable swing experience? Sexiest experience or most horrific hook-up?

Most memorable was the first time.  Most horrific was the time we met a couple out to dinner, then 10 min. after we’re there, they tell us that some friends invited us all over to their hotel room across the street for a drink.  Turned out to be a bareback hotel party!  The couple we went there with were on the other side of the place with God knows who, and a couple we weren’t attracted to grabbed us.  Yes, we left fast and in shock.

Any pet peeves in the lifestyle? (things that are a major turn off/red flag for you two)

Cleanliness.  Major turn off is bad body odor.

Your advice to a couple(or single) new to the lifestyle?

Don’t just look for one couple.  Always mix it up and keep others in rotation.  This will keep the drama out of your life and you’ll be happy swinging!

I am always curious about the couples I meet and would love to give them a chance to share some of their stories here. I am going to be featuring a new established couple on each post. If you are interested in being a part of this Q & A just contact me and let me know.

Communication Breakdown

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Swinging won’t fix a broken relationship. I have to say this again because we keep running into couples that actually think it will. I’m sorry. If you are on the outs, or just getting back together from being on the outs, this isn’t a good time. A swinging relationship takes work, more work even then a monogamous one.

We met a couple on Saturday that Miguel had been talking to for a while. We had a few drinks and then the truth came out, they were trying to fix something that had been severed within their relationship. Maybe opening up their relationship would make the infidelity that had occurred less severe. I struggled to listen as the girl poured her heart out. This was his idea and she was finally going to ‘submit’ to it. They were the sweetest couple, but I don’t like drama.

This is exactly the type of thing that I am scared of when we meet a newbie couple.

Had they ever done this before? Nope. Oh well there was this one time with a single guy… She blushed as she recounted in g-rated detail. She struggled even to say what they had done. Ashamed to have shared her bed with a lover as he watched.

This is probably not the lifestyle for you. Any couple that tells me they are trying to fix anything with a swinging hook-up is going to send an me running. The reason for this is simple, I don’t need that kind of drama. As Miguel always says “Save the drama for your momma!”

Let me just say that if they didn’t say anything about it, I would not have guessed that. They did a really good job before bringing any relationship crap up of playing a really cute, totally in love, couple. Imagine my surprise if I had found this out like…the next day? This information would have created guilt for me for not looking for clues in the conversation. I don’t want that kind of pressure in my fun. I want to think that every couple we play with both want to be there and for the right reasons.

Maybe I took the conversation wrong? I really hope so. Just in case let me bring up a couple of important points:

Swinging is not an easy fix for a sexually broken couples. If one or both of you can’t/won’t play then that needs to be said way before we get to the bedroom. I hate when I find a great couple and the male part can’t play with a condom on or she only wants to play with me and not my partner. No swinger wants to be part of that four person threesome.

Swinging won’t work for couples that can’t communicate. You need to be a little comfortable with your own sexuality. Be aware that sex is gonna come up and you should be comfortable with the terminology used in a conversation.

The swinger lifestyle is not for couple’s that can’t trust each other. I do not want to be anyone’s surprise. This lifestyle is about consensual sex, not forced sex to save a relationship. No swinging female wants to be part of a forced sex show to please your man. I can tell when you are not enjoying it and I am going to stop and call you on it.

Are you and your partner on the same page sexually? You should be. It can work for couples when they go forth together in trust. There has to be open communication and trust. The swinger lifestyle has opened me up to so many things but it has also closed some door for me. There is no room in a swinging relationship for jealousy. Even strong couples may at times find themselves struggling with this. I would never recommend this to a couple on the outs. Swinging takes work.

This lifestyle will not work for everyone, it just won’t.

Please don’t get into swinging thinking that you fix something broken in your relationship. Not all swingers are in the perfect relationship, there are those that are in this lifestyle for the wrong reasons. There are those that just swing together and have no relationship. Then are even those that really shouldn’t be swinging because everywhere they go they create drama. You don’t want to be one of those couples. A swinging relationship is meant for sex positive couples that have a good solid foundation of trust and communication. Work on open communication and if you still are curious then explore this together. Please don’t tell people you are doing this to fix something. No potential hook-up will want to deal with that kind of responsibility.

On Rejection

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One of the most awkward things in the lifestyle is rejection. Most swingers are friendly happy people. How do you say “no” to people you want to remain friends with? Not every couple is equally sexy. I am sure a lot of people could say that about Miguel and I. I have a whole list of reasons for rejecting someone. Just because I swing doesn’t mean I don’t have standards. On the flip side, I know I am not going to be attractive to everyone. We have been rejected plenty. There is a correct way to handle rejection. It is hard not to take it personally, but really, rejection is inevitable. We are a small group, eventually you will probably run into that couple again. Burning bridges is not something a seasoned couple does in this lifestyle. I am always shocked when I hear about people becoming rude when they get rejected. We have been cursed at and blocked, even threatened in a few rare occasions, all just for rejecting someone? Miguel has come up with the perfect phase that handles the awkwardness of a rejection.

“One of us isn’t interested in one of you.”

This releases blaming. We have been pretty fortunate that most couples are good at reading body language. Occasionally we have to walk away from people that are pursuing us. Just because we are at the club doesn’t mean we “have” to hook-up with anyone. I had a conversation with Rebecca and we talked about how we handle rejecting a couple that we don’t want to play with. She had a fun rule to pull out when she didn’t want a re-match with a couple,

“We only hook-up with a couple once.”

Sounds reasonable. Anything more than once would feel like dating. I know a few couples that really only ever hook-up with each other. To me that just seems weird and could invite too much jealousy. We have had a few re-matches with couples and it worked out most of the time. I definitely don’t want to date another couple though. Of course when you swing like that eventually one of you “takes one for the team.” We always said we wouldn’t be like that. We really try not to. Swing long enough and it happens. Another swinger friend I spoke with said she and her man removed themselves completely for a while after too many times of “taking one for the team.” It happens. A relationship is work and a swinger couple has to be even more diligent due to extra sexual factors.

We used to be more personal. It is so easy to reject someone at a swinger club. At a club if you don’t want to play with someone, just exit the conversation. I may see too many things at a club as rejection, but I don’t ever want to be that person that can’t take a hint. On the other hand, I have a short attention span. Then I get distracted and it seems that I have rejected someone, when that is hardly ever the case. We go to the club so often that I forget we are there to try to meet people and hook-up. I miss the ease of meeting a couple for drinks and then going from there. Of course, then we might be back to “taking one for the team”. Plus that requires so much work for Miguel. It is “work” he will enjoy I am sure. Things might move slower like this, but I think we are missing out by trying to “compete” at the club.

What amazes me in the lifestyle is when I think about when we have been rejected or taken one for the team. Even after all the b.s. that we might deal with, it is still the exception and not the rule.