Archive for musing

Mind Vomit and More

Mind Vomit

I have a virus. I haven’t been this sick in a few years. It started with my youngest daughter and then the rest of the kids seem to be taking turns with the virus until it finally caught up to me. I have been really sick all week. I had a bunch of posts planned (in my head obviously, and not typed out). I know all about scheduling posts folks, I am just not that kind of gal. I will probably never be the planner who has a week’s worth of posts written up and ready to go. In my defense, this means you are not getting my old news either. This is my life….as it is happening.

Last weekend we went to a friends house for a bar-b-que and some vanilla fun. A very nice (and sexy) soft swap couple invited us over. They were very nice hosts until…well, until the alcohol x spades brought out our aggressive personalities. The male portion of this couple and me + alcohol do not mix well.

I have some new affiliations/sponsors for my site. I have been offered products lately and actually had to turn them down. I just don’t have the time, energy, or desire to review shit I am not really excited about anymore. My collection has grown out of hand and I can afford to be picky at this juncture. I got some BDSM items for review coming up. I am really excited to write up about the items.

In the meantime, I would like to mention that I have been trying hard to keep my contests and sex toy sales pages updated. Please check out the links and use the codes. The holidays are coming people, try to win a little something for yourself. I am excited to offer you another chance to win the best harness I have ever played with..the RodeoH. I got a chance to review both the brief style and the boxer style rodeoH and I loved them both. This harness is easy to use and fun too. Click here to enter, ends 12/17. I will be hosting some new giveaways here real soon.


Be Aggressive


Miguel and I are not a sexually aggressive couple. I don’t walk around at clubs making out with people I don’t know. There might be a preconceived notion out there that maybe all swingers are really sexually aggressive. It just isn’t true. I have met a good mix of sexually aggressive and sexually passive lovers. I have played both sides, depending on the situation and mood.I don’t ever want to be the over-confident, super aggressive woman at the party. I know how this makes other people feel, so I try not to do it. We definitely don’t want to come across like Pepé Le Pew! I am a bit passive-aggressive. I know, I hate this about myself, but I have come to realize it is exactly that term that describes my nature. I am really only super aggressive when I mix liquor. (liquid courage!)

That is not to say that I can’t be sexually aggressive. It is just not really my comfort zone.

What happens when two non-aggressive swinging couples meet…a lot of talking. A lot of story telling. Miguel and I can talk a lot. I have to admit that we are great ice-breakers, not so expert at deal-closing. We have played aggressor at times when the mix dictates, usually with new couples. Miguel is great at being able to read people and he usually initiates something.

I think sexual aggression has a lot to do with self-confidence. Being non-aggressive I try to gauge people by their body language. I can misconstrue your body language for non-attraction. More than that I just hate initiating things.

We went out last Saturday to meet another couple. We had a “date” with this couple last week. Chemistry was there and so we agreed to meet them in their home this time. They were really great hosts. The night they had planned was perfect, complete with dinner, drinks, a full body massage, and a trip to a sex toy shop. (Btw, can I tell you that if you have a chance to hook-up with a masseuse who loves their work, you should do it! I got massaged from my head down to my toes, I still feel great two days later.)

The problem, well it wasn’t really a red flag type of problem, was that neither of us were really sexually aggressive. We eventually did get to close the deal, but it took a long time. I don’t think it was a lack of attraction, merely a lack of sexual aggression. I am sure that the next time we meet up with this couple it will be less awkward. It makes me wonder why it isn’t sexually awkward every time we swing. Somehow it usually isn’t.

The times I am sexually aggressive it is with people I know, who I know are interested. I think this is something I need to work on. I know I am attractive. Maybe it is better to get turned down occasionally then to miss out on something by being sexually passive. (Think about how much we all grew to love Pepé Le Pew!) Aggressive is better.

100 Ways You Know You Are A Swinger!


I found this list and had to share it…enjoy!

1.      You are wearing wristbands in most of your vacation photos.

2.      Half of the numbers on your cell phone are listed only by screen names.

3.      You are running out of reasons to tell your coworkers why you can’t go out with them this weekend.

4.      You have over 50,000 frequent flyer miles on Air Jamaica.

5.      You know most of your friends’ by their first names (Rich & Jen, Frank & Beth) but you don’t know their last names.

6.     You have more lingerie than a hooker.

7.      You had already seen pictures of your friends naked before you ever met them in person.

8.      You position the computer screen in such a way your children can’t sneak up on you.

9.      You can’t remember the last time you had pubic hair.

10.  Before traveling somewhere, you look up couples in that area.

11.  You worry about explaining to the neighbors why 10 couples show up on a Saturday night carrying over night bags and don’t leave until Sunday afternoon.

12.  Your spouse asks you if you want to have sex, and your first thought is”With who?”

13.  Your gynecologist wonders why you’re asking for birth control when he knows that your husband has had a vasectomy.

14.  Your hot tub has never had a bathing suit worn in it.

15.  Your sex toy collection costs more than your china set.

16.  Your wife has a shirt that says: “I Like Girls Too.”

17.  You have a stripper’s pole in the middle of your den.

18.  You giggle at the golf course when someone asks if they can join you for a foursome.

19.  The last thing you typically do at a party is search for your wife’s thong.

20.  You’ve hugged your friends goodnight while naked.

21.  You hear the word “Playmate” and your first thought is NOT “Playboy”

22.  The word “slut” has become a term of endearment.

23.  You remember to bring lube before you remember to bring lipstick.

24.  Your choice in new carpeting is heavily based on which type won’t give you rug burns.

25.  You’ve taken your Liberator with you to a dinner party.

26.  The term Vanilla isn’t just a flavor to you.

27.  You bet your wife who can score first with that cute girl.

28.  You are constantly encouraging your kids to spend the weekend at friends’ houses.

29.  You don’t think twice about wearing a short skirt, high heels and fishnets when it’s freezing outside.

30.  Your wedding reception has an after party.

31.  You get dressed for a party and don’t worry about comfort because your clothes won’t be on for very long.

32.  You panic when your friend’s digital camera goes missing.

33.  You’ve invited friends over and watched porn.

34.  You’ve invited friends over and made porn.

35.  You’ve watched someone do a tequila shot off of your wife’s breasts.

36.  Your friends know what brand of condom you prefer.

37.  You wake up in the morning and find that half of the cloths on the floor don’t fit you or your wife.

38.  Your kids think it’s normal for adults to have sleepovers.

39.  A hot tub is considered a necessity not a luxury.

40.  You believe in Unicorns… Because you’ve actually ridden one.

41.  You leave the kids at home when you go to the toy store.

42.  You take photos of yourself with your head out of the frames, on purpose.

43.  You can’t decide which of your three naughty schoolgirl outfits you should wear tonight.

44.  You always keep a supply of condoms, lube and clean hand towels by your bed… And your guest bed… And your couch in the living room.

45.  Every day is “Hump Day”, not just Wednesday.

46.  You frequently use the term “Friends of friends” when explaining how you know certain people.

47.  You know which of your outfits looks best under a black light.

48.  You have an entire closet devoted just to themed outfits.

49.  You place a ad that reads: “Wanted: Reliable babysitter who is willing to stay till sunrise and doesn’t ask any questions.”

50.  You choose furniture based on which best repels semen stains.

51.  The staffs at Hedo and Desire send you birthday cards.

52.  You come home with that, “There’s Something About Mary” hairstyle.

53.  The babysitter wonders why you are always already wearing your full-length coat when she arrives, even in summer.

54.  In the gym shower you’re the only guy with shaved balls.

55.  You know the most flattering angle at which to photograph your genitals.

56.  All of your vacation photos were taken inside your hotel room.

57.  You have free places to stay in almost all the fifty states and several cities in Europe.

58.  You’ve ended e-mails with “Bi-Bi”.

59.  You can expertly identify the differences between every type of breast implants.

60.  On Christmas, there are certain presents that can’t be opened in front of your family.

61.  You know exactly which of your friends are allergic to latex.

62.  Your vanilla friends ask why they are never invited to your parties.

63.  The movie “Swingers” was a huge disappointment to you.

64.  It’s an unwritten law that you can’t call any of your friends on Saturday or Sunday until at least 3 p.m. so you don’t wake them up.

65.  You’ve become especially good at operating your digital camera with one hand.

66.  You actually installed a lock on a bedroom closet door that holds your sex-swing and other fun stuff.

67.  You’re constantly afraid that visiting relatives will turn on one of your home videos you forgot to hide.

68.  You make bets about how long it will take to “convert” your vanilla friend.

69.  You’re in a public place and you swear you hear someone shout your screen name.

70.  Before introducing them to your visiting family, you pull your friends aside and decide …” Here’s how we know each other…”

71.  You start having withdrawals if the swinger’s web site is down.

72.  When someone asks where you’re staying on your trip to Cancun, you pretend that you can’t remember the name of the resort.

73.  You ask a guy to teach you “That thing you do with your fingers that my wife enjoys so much.”

74.  In the middle of sex with your spouse, you ask someone else to take over for a minute while you go to the restroom.

75.  You are more concerned about a pimple on your privates than on your face.

76.  You come back from vacation and you have a tan, but no tan lines.

77.  The first thing you do checking into a hotel is to ask for a lot of extra towels.

78.  All the men bring their wives to your bachelor party.

79.  Making it an early night means getting home before 3 a.m.

80.  You’ve handed out business cards that have nothing to do with your occupation.

81.  Your sexual fantasies never last very long… Because they keep coming true!

82.  You are hanging around vanilla friends and you absentmindedly squeeze their butts.

83.  You erase your computer’s browser history and cache every time you leave your office.

84.  You buy lap dances for your wife… And vice versa.

85.  You own a double-headed dildo.

86.  You’re still smiling on Monday morning about something you did on Saturday night.

87.  You’re at the market, and the only things in your basket are condoms, lube and Red Bull.

88.  On vacation you set aside time to take pictures that are actually acceptable to show to your family.

89.  After 25 years, people still ask if you’re newlyweds.

90.  You’ve had sex with more people since you’ve been married than you did when you were single.

91.  Going to vanilla bars ranks right up there with a root canal.

92.  The only time you go out with your vanilla friends is when you’re on your period.

93.  Your husband has lipstick on his collar and he smells like another woman’s perfume and it brings a smile to your face.

94.  On Monday morning you are glad to go back to work so you can get some rest.

95.  You tell your friends not to call while your parents are in town.

96.  You never make it to the drive-thru before they quit serving breakfast, on your way home.

97.  You have an entire external hard-drive devoted to nothing but your party photos.

98.  You spouse is having an orgasm, while you are busy in the other room discussing the stock market.

99.  You spent twice as long on your profile than you did on your resume.

100. You laughed out loud at 25 or more of these!

Why I sub

What I really need is a good spanking.

I won’t delve out all the reasons why this is necessary for me right now. It is so boring and monotonous, my reasoning. My life is wearing me down.

I will tell you what I think it will do for me…

I need order to the chaos in my head. I am sick of the demands of everything I loathe being in control of everything. I need the reins of control taken from me.

I need the white sharp pain right now. The bliss of space exploding over me as I get my punishment. This is what I really need. I feel I cannot truly relax until I get it. The pain allows me to refocus my energy. Being bound and helpless is a concrete thing I need to draw me back to center. I have never been so sure about something in my life. I need it. I need to be controlled and smacked. I need the pain. I need the pain from someone who dominates me in love and life. I need something I cannot get right now. I am aching for it.

Maybe all subs feel this way. I don’t sub full time, but it appeals to me. Maybe you, like me, have wondered what about pain would appeal to someone. Something about the feel of straps on my wrists and ankles, the tight stretch of submission that I must yield to. He is in control, this is exactly where I should be. The deliberation of holding still when I should, of submitting to him. I wore my collar this weekend, but it went unused. Sometimes I try to top from the bottom, but my attempts fail to get the desired results. I don’t need an audience. I only need him to see me take it.

The real truth about submission is that it allows me the freedom to choose to loose control. I need that. Now that I know how good it can be for me, I crave it. It isn’t always about sex, although it is a sexual act. That isn’t bad, just not entirely true for me. Submitting is sexual, but it is also something that can be enjoyed apart from sex. This is one of those times where sex could be part of it or not. I am a scattered mess and I need a spanking.

TMI Tuesday -Comfort and Thrill of Sex

1. How do you feel about giving anal sex (penetration with penis, finger or sex toys)?

a. I love it.

b. I enjoy it.

c. I’m ok with it.

d. I don’t really enjoy it.

e. I don’t enjoy it at all.

f. I have never given anal sex.

g. I have never given anal sex, but would like to start.

I enjoy anal play with Miguel. It is something I wouldn’t give to just anyone.

2. How do you feel about receiving anal sex (penetration with penis, finger or sex toys)?

a. I love it.

b. I enjoy it.

c. I’m ok with it.

d. I don’t enjoy it at all.

e. I have never received anal sex.

f. I have never received anal sex, but would like to start.

A little bit of anal play is fun and I love it. I don’t allow random playmates to go there with me. Full on anal with toys or anything more than a finger is something I only trust to Miguel.

3. How do you feel about getting undressed in front of a new lover, for the first time, as he/she watches you?

a. It’s a turn on for me.

b. It turns me on a little bit.

c. I like it, but only because it gets him/her going.

d. It does nothing for me.

e. I don’t like doing it because I am shy.

f. I don’t like doing it because I think it’s immoral/improper.

I am not as shy as I used to be…

4. Do you express your sexual pleasure with moans, groans, sighs, and other noises (provided that you are actually turned on)?

a. Yes, each time I have sex (90-100% of the time).

b. Yes, on most occasions (70-89% of the time).

c. Yes, on some occasions (40-69% of the time).

d. Yes, on a few occasions (10-39% of the time).

e. Yes, but only on special occasions (1-9% of the time).

f. Never, not even when I am really turned on.

The noise of sex is such a turn on. I have had silent sex before and it can be sexy, trying to be quiet hoping not to get caught or whatever. But being able to express to my partner that I am enjoying it by letting out whatever feels good, that is just damn sexy. On the other hand, it is such a turn off to hear someone forcing sex sounds (think corny porn).

5. Do you talk to your partner in a sexually explicit way?

a. Talking dirty is one of our favorite activities.

b. Occasionally, I like to talk dirty with my partner, and I do it with ease.

c. I talk dirty with my partner, but it feels awkward.

d. I would like to talk dirty with my partner, but I don’t dare for fear of being judged or ridiculed.

e. I would like to talk dirty with my partner, but she/he isn’t into it.

f. I don’t talk in such a way because I think it is inappropriate.

g. I don’t talk in such a way because I can’t bring myself to do it.

It is such a turn on to hear Miguel talk dirty to me. I get turned on talking dirty to him as well.

6. What kind of animal do you most sound like when building to a climax?

a. quiet little mouse

b. low moaning wolf

c. screeching beluga whale

I don’t think this question had nearly enough options.

Bonus: Which do you prefer comfort sex or thrill-seeking sex? Why?

Obviously, I love thrill-seeking sex. Regular readers of my blog already knew that. As a swinger, I get plenty of thrill sex to keep me happy. Comfort sex is awesome, but while we are young we are going more for the thrill of sex than the comfort of it!

Comfort seekers value deep intimacy, quiet engagement and trust over time of familiar relationships. For them sex is best as a safe, loving nurturing space.*
Thrill seekers value wild energy, adventure and novelty; they are willing to try open relationships, testing themselves outside average sexual practices. These folks crave a place to push the boundaries of new experiences.*

*Adapted from Susan Mernit’s blog

On Rejection


One of the most awkward things in the lifestyle is rejection. Most swingers are friendly happy people. How do you say “no” to people you want to remain friends with? Not every couple is equally sexy. I am sure a lot of people could say that about Miguel and I. I have a whole list of reasons for rejecting someone. Just because I swing doesn’t mean I don’t have standards. On the flip side, I know I am not going to be attractive to everyone. We have been rejected plenty. There is a correct way to handle rejection. It is hard not to take it personally, but really, rejection is inevitable. We are a small group, eventually you will probably run into that couple again. Burning bridges is not something a seasoned couple does in this lifestyle. I am always shocked when I hear about people becoming rude when they get rejected. We have been cursed at and blocked, even threatened in a few rare occasions, all just for rejecting someone? Miguel has come up with the perfect phase that handles the awkwardness of a rejection.

“One of us isn’t interested in one of you.”

This releases blaming. We have been pretty fortunate that most couples are good at reading body language. Occasionally we have to walk away from people that are pursuing us. Just because we are at the club doesn’t mean we “have” to hook-up with anyone. I had a conversation with Rebecca and we talked about how we handle rejecting a couple that we don’t want to play with. She had a fun rule to pull out when she didn’t want a re-match with a couple,

“We only hook-up with a couple once.”

Sounds reasonable. Anything more than once would feel like dating. I know a few couples that really only ever hook-up with each other. To me that just seems weird and could invite too much jealousy. We have had a few re-matches with couples and it worked out most of the time. I definitely don’t want to date another couple though. Of course when you swing like that eventually one of you “takes one for the team.” We always said we wouldn’t be like that. We really try not to. Swing long enough and it happens. Another swinger friend I spoke with said she and her man removed themselves completely for a while after too many times of “taking one for the team.” It happens. A relationship is work and a swinger couple has to be even more diligent due to extra sexual factors.

We used to be more personal. It is so easy to reject someone at a swinger club. At a club if you don’t want to play with someone, just exit the conversation. I may see too many things at a club as rejection, but I don’t ever want to be that person that can’t take a hint. On the other hand, I have a short attention span. Then I get distracted and it seems that I have rejected someone, when that is hardly ever the case. We go to the club so often that I forget we are there to try to meet people and hook-up. I miss the ease of meeting a couple for drinks and then going from there. Of course, then we might be back to “taking one for the team”. Plus that requires so much work for Miguel. It is “work” he will enjoy I am sure. Things might move slower like this, but I think we are missing out by trying to “compete” at the club.

What amazes me in the lifestyle is when I think about when we have been rejected or taken one for the team. Even after all the b.s. that we might deal with, it is still the exception and not the rule.