Archive for mind vomit

Thirteen Days of Mind Vomit

I was forced to resign from my a job that I absolutely loved. The details are not important at this time. I have been unemployed now for thirteen days. Thirteen days and I have gone through all the stages of grief (denial, bargaining, depression, anger, and finally acceptance). This must have happened for a reason, right?

Right?

I still don’t know because it has only been thirteen days.

In these thirteen days I have filled out at least fifty applications. The economy sucks and I don’t want to work nights/weekends. I love my career and I refuse to work somewhere that has a bad reputation for care or where the nurses eat their young. Nurses eat their young. They have done it forever, it is a little known fact. Any nurse will tell you, is she denies it…it is probably her doing the feasting.

~a rant~There are lots of places in the world that people eat their young. I didn’t notice it so much until I was the young. The internet is also full of places that will try to make you feel unwelcome for being new. When I first started my sex blog. I noticed how cruel some people/companies where when I asked them to work with me. I didn’t know some things would be off-limits due to being new. I learned quick! New doesn’t always mean I am trying to take over. Is this self-preservation, that makes someone tear apart something new? Nurses eat their young, but they certainly aren’t the only ones. ~and I’m back to hemostasis~

So too much time on my hands and the thought of having to run into a situation of being feasted upon…I got ambitious. I do this from time to time. This blog is the result of one of my ambitions. I cannot just sit and play computer games all day. I have too many talents that will go to waste. I need money and a way to make it. Where are my talents? HTML, obviously. Sex toys, definitely! I have this ability to see something through. I have this ability to not quit and fade out. My blog was deleted and in one day I had a fresh site full of content.

So I got this idea…

 

What I want is my own sex toy store. I want a store that carries like everything at low prices. I want a place that I can set up and alter to my liking. I want to be able to give discount whenever I feel like it and not wait for a damned holiday. I want a commission that is fair.

 

I set this up in my thirteen days at home. I am giving 20% off every order with the code SUMMER

I plan on adding some guides and recommendations to it. Please take advantage of this sale going on. This site has like….well everything. For now…it is up and I am very proud of it. Please give it a look and tell me what you think. Be nice, I am new to this. I could use some honest constructive criticism. It doesn’t have to be full of hate.

(later the same day)

I had a job interview today and I got the job. I can hardly describe the relief I am feeling, knowing I will be able to pay rent next month! I am sure some of you can relate.

I got a new store and a new job and it only took thirteen days.

On Rejection

One of the most awkward things in the lifestyle is rejection. Most swingers are friendly happy people. How do you say “no” to people you want to remain friends with? Not ever couple is equally sexy. I am sure a lot of people could say that about Miguel and I. I have a whole list of reasons for rejecting someone. Just because I swing doesn’t mean I don’t have standards. On the flip side, I know I am not going to be attractive to everyone. We have been rejected plenty. There is a correct way to handle rejection. It is hard not to take it personally, but really, rejection is inevitable. We are a small group, eventually you will probably run into that couple again. Burning bridges is not something a seasoned couple does in this lifestyle. I am always shocked when I hear about people becoming rude when they get rejected. We have been cursed at and blocked, even threatened in a few rare occasions, all just for rejecting someone? Miguel has come up with the perfect phase that handles the awkwardness of a rejection.

“One of us isn’t interested in one of you.”

This releases blaming. We have been pretty fortunate that most couples are good at reading body language. Occasionally we have to walk away from people that are pursuing us. Just because we are at the club doesn’t mean we “have” to hook-up with anyone. I had a conversation with Rebecca and we talked about how we handle rejecting a couple that we don’t want to play with. She had a fun rule to pull out when she didn’t want a re-match with a couple,

“We only hook-up with a couple once.”

Sounds reasonable. Anything more than once would feel like dating. I know a few couples that really only ever hook-up with each other. To me that just seems weird and could invite too much jealousy. We have had a few re-matches with couples and it worked out most of the time. I definitely don’t want to date another couple though. Of course when you swing like that eventually one of you “takes one for the team.” We always said we wouldn’t be like that. We really try not to. Swing long enough and it happens. Another swinger friend I spoke with said she and her man removed themselves completely for a while after too many times of “taking one for the team.” It happens. A relationship is work and a swinger couple has to be even more diligent due to extra sexual factors.

We used to be more personal. It is so easy to reject someone at a swinger club. At a club if you don’t want to play with someone, just exit the conversation. I may see too many things at a club as rejection, but I don’t ever want to be that person that can’t take a hint. On the other hand, I have a short attention span. Then I get distracted and it seems that I have rejected someone, when that is hardly ever the case. We go to the club so often that I forget we are there to try to meet people and hook-up. I miss the ease of meeting a couple for drinks and then going from there. Of course, then we might be back to “taking one for the team”. Plus that requires so much work for Miguel. It is “work” he will enjoy I am sure. Things might move slower like this, but I think we are missing out by trying to “compete” at the club.

What amazes me in the lifestyle is when I think about when we have been rejected or taken one for the team. Even after all the b.s. that we might deal with, it is still the exception and not the rule.

Apathy and Motivation

(In case you were wondering there is no sex in this post, I am going to drone on and on about the shit in my head to keep it from exploding. Not everything is sex. Although, for me, this is just as important.)

I ran a marathon in 2005. I like to remember this and let my mind drift back to that time in my life. I am a marathon finisher, I did it. I don’t think I realized how it would impact me, until I crossed the finish line. At the finish line they had men dressed in tuxedos, holding silver platters with little teal Tiffany’s boxes on them. That sounds like something made up, but I swear they really did. Inside the boxes were little silver medallions with a woman in a runner’s pose. This was the Nike Woman’s Marathon in San Francisco. That may not sound impressive to you, but I am in Florida, training was tough for a city with that many hills. I am not an athlete, not really. All of these factor’s and I still did it. I was crying sobbing as I reached out to claim my box at the finish line. That was one of the happiest moments of my life.

What drives my mind back to that now has become my most pressing issue. My birthday is coming up, you see. I am a year older. I am finding out that my metabolism is not as resilient as it used to be. My lifetime struggle with my weight and body image is in my face everyday. Most days i look in the mirror and see some larger version of the person I want to be. I have been trying to wrap my head around what makes a habit. This might be propelled in part, by the fact that I shifted my over 20 year habit of smoking to vaping with relative ease. I haven’t had a “real” cigarette in weeks and I feel great about that. How much harder could it be to make other things in my my life a habit? I have been reading all sorts of books on the subject. My intellectual self is in heaven these days. Class is coming to a close, time to put some of these ideas into action. I need to make some changes in order to get myself right.

I went to the grocery store the other day…long story short, I found myself unable to make even simple decisions. I second guessed even my second guesses. As I finished this painful trip I reflected on how when I am really tired I just want to be told what to do. I am letting this happen all over the place in my life, I am too tired to care. I need to make a real decision right now. My apathy has left me out of shape and unmotivated.

Nothing really great is ever easy. I have a full schedule and this will be one more thing keeping me “busy”. That moment that I finished the marathon, it didn’t happen by chance or accident. This was a moment I created for myself out of hard work and determination.When I think of the very best moments of my life, I see that most of them had great cost. I am going to be 36 years old next week. I want this year to be something that is great, that I created, that I can look back on fondly. I don’t think I will run another marathon, but really it might be just the thing I end up doing. I am making a decision for myself today, no more apathy. Monday I am going to start working out again. Wish me luck.

Sexual Bucket List

My birthday is coming up. It has me in a reflective type of mood. What have I done with the last year of my life? More than not I think about what I have done sexually. I shared some of my fantasies here a few months ago. It seems even after all the things that we have done, I still have a sexual bucket list. I don’t feel any reason to act shy about my fantasies at this point in my life. I wanna explore my bucket list and see what is actually possible. I don’t go into too much detail about the things I actually want to experience. I want a clean slate if they actually happen. I think having too clear of a fantasy can be dangerous, and lead to disappointment.

I dare to dream of fantasies with gender bending players. Shocking? It is to me since my experience with gender bending has been pretty limited. Maybe it is recent reading that has me thinking of the possibilities. Maybe it is the few cross dressing people I have seen lately. I gotta share the recent thoughts about this. At first I was like confused. I couldn’t really understand it. While I have to give props to someone who would be so brave as to claim their sexuality no matter the cost. In my life I am pretty much surrounded with guys who are constantly re-assuring me of their manliness. They constantly remind me of their lack of feminine skills. Most of these guys are not remotely interested in showing their feminine side. Guys, loosen up. You can be plenty sexy and feminine at the same time.

My next group of fantasies on my bucket list involve public sex. I want sex in the car (oral doesn’t count), I want sex on the side of the road because we couldn’t wait to make it home. I want sex in the theater, this is probably the only fantasy that makes into my masturbation sessions. This one varies a bit, but Miguel is always there.

Another type of fantasies on my bucket list are all about BDSM play. I go over the top when Miguel takes charge of sex play and “forces” me to do things for him. I love the flogging/spanking sessions we have been doing lately. I really miss going to the club and getting spanked for a large audience. I guess that is not so shocking considering the attention whore that I am. I do wish we could find a BDSM club locally that allowed sex play as well. Fetish Con is coming to Tampa in August and I am already thinking about getting our tickets. We missed it last year. I don’t want that to happen again. I imagine the scenes from there will be pretty inspiring! My list will grow, who knows what will end up on it next.

I would love to hear something on your list. It might inspire me to add something new to mine…

Mind Vomit and the WWW

I have been doing a lot of online searching this week. Fucking bored and needing some inspiration. I have been figuring out some complex things on my empty days off. While everyone else is working during the week, I am wasting time. I certainly hope this crappy schedule is really just temporary.

Miguel and I have been doing really well. I told him about the Fifty Shades of Gray book and it inspired something in him. That night he really showed me who is boss in the bedroom. I rather liked it. Sometimes I daydream about a TPE relationship, but then I remember what a complete brat I am, and how violated I felt after the birthday spankings. I don’t think I could handle it. I am sure I would end up topping from the bottom. Our relationship is great anyways. I love that we can explore some BDSM and swinging then go straight back to “normal”.

 

Speaking of my birthday, Miguel is planning something awesome for me this year. I am a bit nervous. My birthday weekend, (yes I claim the whole weekend), is going to be the first one I am off in over a month. That week things will go back to normal and I get to see all my friends again. I miss my swinger friends. I am sure the club is not the same without me….hello narcissism. We are going to the club tonight. Thursdays are nothing compared to Saturday nights, but at least we are getting out.

Ohhh…I am getting a divorce. ~Shocking confession~ I am still married to someone else. (Yes, Miguel knows!) I got all the paperwork filled out, now I just need to find $400 laying around so I can file. No wonder I let this project wait 5 years. I have been without my husband for 5 years, longer than we were a real couple. BTW, it is much easier, and cheaper, to get married than it is to get divorced. This shit just sucks.

My Alexa rank is slipping into crappy numbers. I can’t belive how fast I am forgotten. I wanna care and fix it. I think it is solely because I stopped doing so many contests. I don’t wanna be forgotten so I have a few contests coming up.

I love you guys. I want you to feel entertained as well. Here are some articles I found around the www this week:

CNN talks about Sex Toys Going Mainstream This article by CNN gives me hope that people are playing more and kink is going mainstream. I might have read too much into it. What do you think?

Kinsey Confidential: Discussing Monogamy and Non-Monagamy strict monogamy is on the decline, awesome!

Sex Addiction Test I was just curious. I have been thinking a bit about trauma and how that translates into personalities. Would someone think I was an addict and what makes someone an addict? I passed the test. I probably won’t be re-visiting this subject again.

Bean Fiddler reviews the Vanity 5.5 Just in case you were curious about the other new vibes in the Jopen Point Five line. I know I was. This looks like a great vibe as well.

What Hip Hop Taught Me I love this chic, she is funny and very entertaining. In this video she is talking about some of my faves.

Mind Vomit

Sometimes I forget just how different our lifestyle is.  For example: I was in class today and the girls are having a discussion about wearing all white for graduation.  They were talking about how tacky it is to wear panties that show, like colored panties……What? I rarely ever wear panties that show guys…. I really didn’t wanna incriminate myself so I just kept my mouth shut.  These are the same type of girls that would never kiss a girl. Nuff said!  I don’t associate with these types of girl unless I have to.
I saw an article on msn that talked about how 70% of guys don’t think it’s cheating if the girl cheats with another girl.  Really?
That seems a bit off to me, since most men are very possessive and most of the women I see are prude.  Maybe that is the number of guys that wish their girlfriend/wife would get with another woman??  I don’t know.  Maybe it is just me but life is really too short to limit sex to only half the population….I am sure all the guys will disagree with me on this thou. I wanna have as much sex as possible before I die, or get too old to swing.  What is the cut off age for this lifestyle anyways?  I have seen some really active people into their 50′s, and hey their are plenty of swingers at that age.  At the place we used to go to their is an older lady (like 70ish) that goes every Saturday and she wears the sexy get-ups too, but she is way too old for those outfits.  I think 58 is probably the cutoff for women, if they still look half-way decent that is.  You gotta have something to offer to the swinging community.
I love our lifestyle.  I hope I am not out there looking ridiculous, but as long as it feels this good I am gonna do it.  We missed an opportunity earlier this week because Miguel was sick. Sometimes life just gets in the way of swinging.  School, work, kids, health, gym (gotta add that here instead of smoking), things are always gonna get in the way.  We have some hot stuff coming up this weekend thou.  It is gonna be “Latin Night” at one of our favorite clubs.  I know I am Caucasian, but I feel Latin by association….. Latin boyfriend, half Latin baby, I even sit next to a Latin girl in class and you know what I am starting to even hear her heavy accent.  [She has no idea about our lifestyle. She is only 22 and I know she kinda looks up to me.....she would never see me the same.  (Remember how narrow your focus was at 22?)  I bet she is the kind of girl that would kiss a girl thou, so associating with her is all right]
Anyways, I am really hoping to hook up with that Hot Tamale again….. I am just gonna put myself out there this weekend and see what happens.