I started writing again. Not just this blog, but working on my book. The book I have been contemplating for years. The one where I tell the whole story of me, no holds barred. The details have all but consumed me. I take mental breaks now and then, like the past two weeks, but it is always in the back of my mind. This will be the painful story of my beginning and hopefully bring me up to now. Today I wrote about now, what it is like for me. I don’t expect anyone to care, or like what I have written. It is just that I have this feeling I might burst if I don’t put the words on paper (or the screen, as it sometimes is).
Today I went through every emotion. I know it isn’t normal, not even in a comical sense. My day today was spent hurrying around trying to catch up. I am trying to catch up to the place I think I should be. It is always five minutes away. “I’m late,” is my mantra. I repeat it in my head so I don’t waste time. You know that exhausted feeling you get after a really fun day, that feeling of impending let down. I live there. I walk, eat and act too fast.
I look around and see people much more calm than me. They are going about their daily toil. I am spinning in this feeling. I hate my anxiety, but I know it is the driving force of my personality.
One day, they are going to see right through me. They are going to see how afraid I am. They are going to realize how awkward and silly I feel just trying to hold a normal conversation. I am at work right now. Holly is talking to me with her big green eyes. I am trying to look interested. I am fighting the feeling to reach in my pocket and pull out my phone so I can multitask. I stand with my hands clumsily folded in front of me, and just listen. I try to finish her sentences. I am losing the conversation, trying to take it somewhere else. I give up and think of something witty to add. This thing she is telling me about is, oh I got it! I interrupt her with a story. She gets called away mid-sentence while I am talking. I don’t follow up, she seems busy every time I see her. I keep my story to myself.
I wonder what she would think of me if she knew who I really was. Even in my transparency, I keep my real life from those around me. If she knew I was a swinger she would never have asked my opinion about her new boyfriend’s behavior. It is something she would be curious about and instantly revolted by at the same time. I had the same thoughts about the lifestyle when he mentioned it. My social anxiety has been all but cleared up in the lifestyle. There we all have at least one thing in common. One thing that is such a big thing.
I am excited to be writing again. I am hoping to dedicate time to this every week. Not this, me posting an excerpt, but writing. I want to set aside time every week to write. I got so many chapters started, I just need to fill in the blanks. Put the story in order. It is so hard. So very hard when there is always something else I should be doing. My punishment is to feel really inspired and have unwritten words dance around my head while I am too busy to even grab a pen to write it out.
Anyways, that’s what I got going on right now. Thanks for stopping by…